I cried so much yesterday and most of this morning. I have not felt this alone and depressed in a long while. All I could think about was Jose Noel. I don't regret breaking up with him because it needed to be done. But I do miss him. I miss having someone to kiss, someone to hold me, someone who could speak with me even if he had no solution to my problems. I miss emotional and physical intimacy which I feel deprived of because the people I know are either indifferent or neglect my needs. They either pity me or simply want very little to do with me it seems. I don't know . . . perhaps I am that unworthy and unlikeable.
Jose and I had fun. In the beginning sex was almost always fun, though sometimes it hurt because he was big and he would ignore my discomfort. The best sex I ever had was when I was riding on top of him. I had absolute control and it didn't hurt. I just stared at him and eventually he came. He helped me achieve my very first orgasm, a feat he would never repeat because he wasn't very good at listening or taking directions.
Car sex after a night dancing at El Tapatio was amazing. I gave him a hand job as he was driving us home and he moaned constantly. We eventually parked near his home and we had sex in the passenger's seat.
To me it seems so natural to have sex just about anywhere when you're with someone you want to fuck. I've had sex in a car, in the park, in the bathroom and of course in the bedroom. As long as there is relative privacy and a decent level of cleanliness I don't care. I don't understand people who have a certain cultural precept that prevents them from just doing it when there's a good opportunity.
I have not had sex with David in over a month and I honestly don't know why. Either he's lost interest or something is preventing him from doing something. Based on what I know his life does seem pretty stressful right now. But I figure sex helps to relieve stress. Wouldn't it be better than just seeing a movie or something? I feel like our social relationship is completely devoid of intimacy, emotional or physical. He often makes me feel like I'm in a desert looking over a barb-wired fence which separates me from an oasis. I feel deprived. He never tries to touch me. He does ask if I'm all right from time to time and he gave me his car to sleep in. So I suppose he cares on some level but he probably sees me as nothing more than a stray puppy.
It makes me feel like I regret breaking up with Jose, even though I know I had to do it. Jose, even though he resented me, I don't think he would have deprived me this much. We would have at least had sex. He would at least touch me. I like to think that he would. Unless a dead fetus has more value than me in his eyes. I don't know.
I sent him a message over Facebook asking why he doesn't want to speak with me. It would be enough just to know that he is all right. I want to know if he plans to leave the country soon. I just want to know something.
Maybe I'm being punished. I wonder if I'm supposed to just kill myself.
Right now I'm trying to prepare my paperwork so I can submit an SAP Appeal this Friday. If I'm going to finish my degree I need more financial aid. I still don't have a research mentor so that is an issue I need to remedy as fast as possible. I have two people of interest so far. I hope this all works out.
I'm not sure if it's his personality or his addiction to alcohol but David makes me unsure. He seems to have lied about significant things such as his age, his work situation and the fact that he has a DUI. These are all things I wouldn't know if I hadn't snooped around but to be fair I need to make sure that I'm with a safe and stable person. I don't feel I'm in any immediate danger but based on his own admission he can be prone to violence when under the influence. I wish he would be honest with me. I'm a pretty flexible person and quite empathetic. It just seems like I'm nobody to him--not a real person. I need his help right now so for mostly self-preservation reasons I don't intend to ask any probing questions. I just feel a bit disappointed and sad.
At least now I know how to better navigate my interactions with him. I feel like he tries to be a good person. He just may not be completely aware of his altered behavior and personality due to his alcoholism. I can't help him unless he wants help. So he needs to be honest with me. Perhaps he isn't trying to get me involved. That could be the reason for some of his dishonesty.
At this point I can only deal with one person with problems. I really only need to focus on my own. I wish the men that run into me and harass on the street would just stop. Two have been white homeless men with Asian obsessions. I really don't need that in my life right now.
I can't wait until my mom gets me a new tazer.
Tuesday, September 3, 2013
Monday, September 2, 2013
On memories, boxes and the reasons you concern me
Recently David asked me if I missed my ex-boyfriend, Jose Noel. It took me a while to answer. It's complicated. I do miss him. I'm hurt by his decision to no longer see or speak with me. I do feel bad that it seemed like our relationship could not be taken to a further level. I thought that if he could be patient the relationship could grow naturally and I could grow more comfortable. But marriage and babies were a constant topic. I initially only considered marriage out of necessity: to help him remain in the US where he was relatively safe. Ultimately this was a bad idea, something that my mother would frown upon given the circumstances. I couldn't marry him and I know deep down I didn't want to. I knew we weren't compatible. I was just with him because I wanted someone dependable. Someone I could trust. Someone I didn't mind touching me. He wanted a future with someone who could handle a man who is very busy. I wasn't that person.
I don't think I will forget him. And maybe one day we will see each other. I just don't know if he would have anything to say to me. I want him to be all right. I don't want anyone to kill him.
For the time being I am homeless. David lets me sleep in one of his cars. I keep the keys unless he is driving. Things panned out better than I expected. I thought I would have to sleep outside or in a 24-hour building. After pulling an all-nighter packing my things I spent most of Saturday waiting for David to acquire a moving truck. It didn't occur to either of us to get a reservation so ultimately he asked a friend if he could borrow his vehicle. We made the move in two trips. I finished packing before 8 AM. We moved my things outside around 11 AM. He did not return with a truck until about 3 or 4 PM. I waited outside for him for several hours. We finished moving things into storage around 5 or 6 PM.
After that he confirmed that I did not have a place to live. So we looked into getting a motel but found that they were too costly. So he decided that we could just sleep in his car or in the conference room adjacent to his laboratory. I chose the car figuring it would be more comfortable. And it was.
I've gotten to know a little more about David under stress. He can quite irritable and clumsy. Sometimes his behavior worries me. I understand that these conditions are undesirable. Surprisingly just as I was packing he found out that he could no longer stay with his friend because he needed to move out as well. So we both ended up with no place to stay this weekend. He's been in this situation more than once before. But like me he finds showering in a public place to be distasteful. But what can you do when you have no other choice?
I had absolutely nothing to eat all Saturday. I started my period and nearly bled through the pad I had been wearing out of caution. I couldn't change it until about 10 PM at night. I drank water and a carbonated flavored drink that David bought me earlier after I requested something pineapple flavored. The drink actually tasted much better after it had been sitting out in the hot sun for a few hours.
David can be absent-minded, forgetting things frequently. He knew that I hadn't had food all-day. He would remind me that I needed to eat. My menstrual cycle didn't sit well with my stomach so nothing seemed the least bit appetizing. I certainly didn't want McDonald's, which is one of David's popular options. My request for the night was hot tea. He invited me into his lab building so I could microwave a mug of Arizona Tea. It didn't taste bad. I was surprised.
I'm almost convinced that David has been lying about his age. His documents state that he was born in 1983. So I don't see how he could be 27 unless he is stating such for a particular reason. He seems quite self-conscious. He tends to talk about Asian people a lot which to me might suggest an inferiority complex. He's admitted to being somewhat anti-social and having trouble understanding, interpreting and embodying US culture. I don't know how to help him since it seems his busy schedule is what consumes him for the most part. He says that if he were less busy he could be more social. I'm not sure if that's all there is to it. But perhaps it can release a few blocks that might make him inaccessible to other groups of people.
I figure since I kind of told him my ex-boyfriend's age he might be more likely to admit to his own. Or perhaps he can explain the discrepancy I probably shouldn't know about, hehe.
I think I am learning to accept that his attention toward me, or lack thereof, really has nothing to do with me. He has mostly been honest with me and helpful, though often tardy and unprepared. I'm not too judgmental so it's not a big issue. It's possible we can helpful each other with different things. It just remains to be seen. We have a few obstacles to overcome first. I feel our tenuous union shows promise. If he will accept this gift I think that I can help him in some fundamental way. Otherwise I am just here to enjoy the ride.
I don't think I will forget him. And maybe one day we will see each other. I just don't know if he would have anything to say to me. I want him to be all right. I don't want anyone to kill him.
For the time being I am homeless. David lets me sleep in one of his cars. I keep the keys unless he is driving. Things panned out better than I expected. I thought I would have to sleep outside or in a 24-hour building. After pulling an all-nighter packing my things I spent most of Saturday waiting for David to acquire a moving truck. It didn't occur to either of us to get a reservation so ultimately he asked a friend if he could borrow his vehicle. We made the move in two trips. I finished packing before 8 AM. We moved my things outside around 11 AM. He did not return with a truck until about 3 or 4 PM. I waited outside for him for several hours. We finished moving things into storage around 5 or 6 PM.
After that he confirmed that I did not have a place to live. So we looked into getting a motel but found that they were too costly. So he decided that we could just sleep in his car or in the conference room adjacent to his laboratory. I chose the car figuring it would be more comfortable. And it was.
I've gotten to know a little more about David under stress. He can quite irritable and clumsy. Sometimes his behavior worries me. I understand that these conditions are undesirable. Surprisingly just as I was packing he found out that he could no longer stay with his friend because he needed to move out as well. So we both ended up with no place to stay this weekend. He's been in this situation more than once before. But like me he finds showering in a public place to be distasteful. But what can you do when you have no other choice?
I had absolutely nothing to eat all Saturday. I started my period and nearly bled through the pad I had been wearing out of caution. I couldn't change it until about 10 PM at night. I drank water and a carbonated flavored drink that David bought me earlier after I requested something pineapple flavored. The drink actually tasted much better after it had been sitting out in the hot sun for a few hours.
David can be absent-minded, forgetting things frequently. He knew that I hadn't had food all-day. He would remind me that I needed to eat. My menstrual cycle didn't sit well with my stomach so nothing seemed the least bit appetizing. I certainly didn't want McDonald's, which is one of David's popular options. My request for the night was hot tea. He invited me into his lab building so I could microwave a mug of Arizona Tea. It didn't taste bad. I was surprised.
I'm almost convinced that David has been lying about his age. His documents state that he was born in 1983. So I don't see how he could be 27 unless he is stating such for a particular reason. He seems quite self-conscious. He tends to talk about Asian people a lot which to me might suggest an inferiority complex. He's admitted to being somewhat anti-social and having trouble understanding, interpreting and embodying US culture. I don't know how to help him since it seems his busy schedule is what consumes him for the most part. He says that if he were less busy he could be more social. I'm not sure if that's all there is to it. But perhaps it can release a few blocks that might make him inaccessible to other groups of people.
I figure since I kind of told him my ex-boyfriend's age he might be more likely to admit to his own. Or perhaps he can explain the discrepancy I probably shouldn't know about, hehe.
I think I am learning to accept that his attention toward me, or lack thereof, really has nothing to do with me. He has mostly been honest with me and helpful, though often tardy and unprepared. I'm not too judgmental so it's not a big issue. It's possible we can helpful each other with different things. It just remains to be seen. We have a few obstacles to overcome first. I feel our tenuous union shows promise. If he will accept this gift I think that I can help him in some fundamental way. Otherwise I am just here to enjoy the ride.
Saturday, August 17, 2013
A lesson in productivity and expectations
This week was interesting. I had my first midterm this Friday and I'm not sure that I passed. To be honest I was painfully unprepared. I hadn't realized how much material we had covered in just five days--over twelve chapters of material to be exact. It has been a long time since I last attended a science course. In the past I never had a legitimate studying method. I can remember most things by simply reading over notes and sometimes dictating them aloud. So to avoid the difficulties I had this week I either need to study-proof my room or use the library during limited summer hours. I can't really concentrate on lecture material if there is too much noise. This means I can't even listen to music which I sometimes use to cancel out other noise. It would also be helpful if I slept a little earlier. I have been a little sleep-deprived.
I dealt with a lot of stress this week. I went to the police department to request a copy of the police report. I was informed on Thursday that I could pick up the report but decided not to since it would have only distressed me. It would have also been a waste of valuable study time. I will probably pick it up Saturday. I applied for two jobs this week and I have several more that require my attention. Cover letters and applications can be very time-consuming. The idea of contacting former employers and references is nerve-wrecking. I haven't talked to most of these people in more than two years. While I have been coached on the proper way to broach the subject I am still uncertain about communicating with them. I will have to try if I want to submit job applications. I'm pretty sure I will acquire at least one interview . . . eventually. I'm not confident that I will obtain a job by September.
I looked for rooms and jobs throughout the week. I also set up tours for Thursday. My search took up a significant amount of time. I wasted a lot of time when I should have been studying. I don't like the idea of being forced to leave my apartment before the end of the month so I feel especially pressured to find another room as soon as possible. This has never happened to me before. I am a little worried. I don't have a lot of resources or persons whom I would consider dependable and available. So I could wind up being homeless and having my things infested with vermin or stolen. David was supposed to accompany me on Thursday but at the last minute he told me that his car had been broken into. I had to cancel the plans. In a strange way this was a bit fortuitous because I had extra time to study. I guess both of us have had a bit of bad luck lately. I suppose this was a lesson in not making plans that revolve around another person, especially when there is a lack of communication or confirmation of said plans.
I realize that he really isn't at fault. I don't think he intends to take me or my time for granted. I don't have a lot of people to talk to or anyone I would consider a true friend so I put all my eggs into one basket. Before he has suggested that I try to make other friends. But honestly I don't think it would be a successful endeavor. I can try but to be honest socialization can be very tiring. I have dealt with enough abusive people to last me a lifetime. I don't want to put myself out there when I don't have a lot of resources. I don't want stalkers. I don't want people to verbally abuse me. I don't want anymore rapists. I don't want tactless liars. It's not easy for me. He doesn't have to worry about being raped so I don't think he could really understand the source of my fears and social anxiety. If I can muster the courage to venture into unknown territory is a gift unto anyone I happen to encounter. Ultimately I should not care if certain people do not appreciate this gift. I just don't like wasting energy or time. I prefer to invest in people who could become special to me. I think David has that potential, but it's difficult.
I wonder if he will always be this busy. And ultimately does he see me in his long-term social relationships? I think that I could deal with being a transitory space. But I can't lie . . . it could hurt. I already have issues with feeling like a non-person. I'm trying my best to protect myself.
I am bothered by the fact that we haven't had sex since we first reunited. I figure it's because he's busy, stressed out and he prefers other activities like seeing movies, eating lunch, etc. Pretty normal activities. But I'm not sure if he just invites me so he has someone to accompany him or if he wants to make sure we're doing things we can both enjoy without it seeming completely self-serving and just a gateway to sex. But I feel weird. Like wouldn't he like to have sex? I just miss the intimacy. We generally don't really touch each other. Last time he touched me he gave me a hug. Why can't he at least hug me? I know I don't really initiate physical contact but that's b/c I don't want to bother people. And it can seem unnatural. But I like to be touched sometimes. I don't know what to think but I can't really talk about this issue unless he has time to see me. There's a lot of things I would like to talk about but out of consideration for his situation I intend to wait a little bit. As long as he doesn't take about Amanda ad nauseum I think I will be fine.
I'm not a PhD student and I haven't just lost my job. I'm not working on any research. I don't have a car so I can't complain about one being broken into. I understand he is busy. I don't really know b/c his situation is relatively unknown to me, outside of my range of experience. But I am considerate so I'm not angry with him or anything. I was pretty stressed out myself so him telling me his situation last minute complicated my plans a little bit. But I still have two weeks to find a place to live so things will probably be just fine. I wish we could talk and see each other more often but I can deal with it. I'm pretty independent. But I can say with a great deal of certainty that without technology I would probably go crazy with all of this time I spend by myself. I need to rearrange my life so I don't feel like I'm just waiting for him. Otherwise I will be disappointed if this "thing" doesn't turn out to be much of anything. I'm prepared for us to just stop talking or have a falling out. And I'm pretty sure the universe will set into place opportunities for me to meet other people--other guys, other women. B/c of our familiarity I don't see David as just another fish in the sea. Considering that since I first met him he was just an afterthought it is amazing how much I care about him now. So it will probably hurt for a while if things don't work out but I will get over it. I always have. Life moves on even if bad people don't suffer consequences for their wrong doing. It has real-world consequences for me but I can only do so much to alleviate the pain. But life doesn't stop and so I might take a break but eventually I get back up and keep working.
This weekend I am doing my hair. I might do a protein treatment but I'm not sure. I want to keep things simple so that my whole wash and style routine lasts no more than five to six hours. I also have some reading to do before lecture on Monday. And my discussion group is scheduled to meet on Sunday to work on our presentation. So I will probably do a bit of research before then. I have other miscellaneous tasks to keep me busy such as looking for a room. I will probably take a kickboxing class on Sunday, but I want to make sure that the gym has not suddenly increased the drop-in fee. I feel like the sales representation lied to me in order to try and persuade me to buy gym membership. Some people are just terrible liars. I have made pretense into an art form so I can't really respect people who haven't stepped up their game.
I dealt with a lot of stress this week. I went to the police department to request a copy of the police report. I was informed on Thursday that I could pick up the report but decided not to since it would have only distressed me. It would have also been a waste of valuable study time. I will probably pick it up Saturday. I applied for two jobs this week and I have several more that require my attention. Cover letters and applications can be very time-consuming. The idea of contacting former employers and references is nerve-wrecking. I haven't talked to most of these people in more than two years. While I have been coached on the proper way to broach the subject I am still uncertain about communicating with them. I will have to try if I want to submit job applications. I'm pretty sure I will acquire at least one interview . . . eventually. I'm not confident that I will obtain a job by September.
I looked for rooms and jobs throughout the week. I also set up tours for Thursday. My search took up a significant amount of time. I wasted a lot of time when I should have been studying. I don't like the idea of being forced to leave my apartment before the end of the month so I feel especially pressured to find another room as soon as possible. This has never happened to me before. I am a little worried. I don't have a lot of resources or persons whom I would consider dependable and available. So I could wind up being homeless and having my things infested with vermin or stolen. David was supposed to accompany me on Thursday but at the last minute he told me that his car had been broken into. I had to cancel the plans. In a strange way this was a bit fortuitous because I had extra time to study. I guess both of us have had a bit of bad luck lately. I suppose this was a lesson in not making plans that revolve around another person, especially when there is a lack of communication or confirmation of said plans.
I realize that he really isn't at fault. I don't think he intends to take me or my time for granted. I don't have a lot of people to talk to or anyone I would consider a true friend so I put all my eggs into one basket. Before he has suggested that I try to make other friends. But honestly I don't think it would be a successful endeavor. I can try but to be honest socialization can be very tiring. I have dealt with enough abusive people to last me a lifetime. I don't want to put myself out there when I don't have a lot of resources. I don't want stalkers. I don't want people to verbally abuse me. I don't want anymore rapists. I don't want tactless liars. It's not easy for me. He doesn't have to worry about being raped so I don't think he could really understand the source of my fears and social anxiety. If I can muster the courage to venture into unknown territory is a gift unto anyone I happen to encounter. Ultimately I should not care if certain people do not appreciate this gift. I just don't like wasting energy or time. I prefer to invest in people who could become special to me. I think David has that potential, but it's difficult.
I wonder if he will always be this busy. And ultimately does he see me in his long-term social relationships? I think that I could deal with being a transitory space. But I can't lie . . . it could hurt. I already have issues with feeling like a non-person. I'm trying my best to protect myself.
I am bothered by the fact that we haven't had sex since we first reunited. I figure it's because he's busy, stressed out and he prefers other activities like seeing movies, eating lunch, etc. Pretty normal activities. But I'm not sure if he just invites me so he has someone to accompany him or if he wants to make sure we're doing things we can both enjoy without it seeming completely self-serving and just a gateway to sex. But I feel weird. Like wouldn't he like to have sex? I just miss the intimacy. We generally don't really touch each other. Last time he touched me he gave me a hug. Why can't he at least hug me? I know I don't really initiate physical contact but that's b/c I don't want to bother people. And it can seem unnatural. But I like to be touched sometimes. I don't know what to think but I can't really talk about this issue unless he has time to see me. There's a lot of things I would like to talk about but out of consideration for his situation I intend to wait a little bit. As long as he doesn't take about Amanda ad nauseum I think I will be fine.
I'm not a PhD student and I haven't just lost my job. I'm not working on any research. I don't have a car so I can't complain about one being broken into. I understand he is busy. I don't really know b/c his situation is relatively unknown to me, outside of my range of experience. But I am considerate so I'm not angry with him or anything. I was pretty stressed out myself so him telling me his situation last minute complicated my plans a little bit. But I still have two weeks to find a place to live so things will probably be just fine. I wish we could talk and see each other more often but I can deal with it. I'm pretty independent. But I can say with a great deal of certainty that without technology I would probably go crazy with all of this time I spend by myself. I need to rearrange my life so I don't feel like I'm just waiting for him. Otherwise I will be disappointed if this "thing" doesn't turn out to be much of anything. I'm prepared for us to just stop talking or have a falling out. And I'm pretty sure the universe will set into place opportunities for me to meet other people--other guys, other women. B/c of our familiarity I don't see David as just another fish in the sea. Considering that since I first met him he was just an afterthought it is amazing how much I care about him now. So it will probably hurt for a while if things don't work out but I will get over it. I always have. Life moves on even if bad people don't suffer consequences for their wrong doing. It has real-world consequences for me but I can only do so much to alleviate the pain. But life doesn't stop and so I might take a break but eventually I get back up and keep working.
This weekend I am doing my hair. I might do a protein treatment but I'm not sure. I want to keep things simple so that my whole wash and style routine lasts no more than five to six hours. I also have some reading to do before lecture on Monday. And my discussion group is scheduled to meet on Sunday to work on our presentation. So I will probably do a bit of research before then. I have other miscellaneous tasks to keep me busy such as looking for a room. I will probably take a kickboxing class on Sunday, but I want to make sure that the gym has not suddenly increased the drop-in fee. I feel like the sales representation lied to me in order to try and persuade me to buy gym membership. Some people are just terrible liars. I have made pretense into an art form so I can't really respect people who haven't stepped up their game.
Tuesday, August 6, 2013
I've always wanted to live with a friend
I have decided to take just one class for summer. I confirmed this decision with my academic advisor and I have permission to do this for readmission into the university. Ultimately it was not feasible for me to earn over two thousand dollars in such a short amount of time. So I had no other choice. I'm just relieved that I can take this one class since it will also enable me to acquire an on-campus job, so long as it isn't work-study. I also realize that two courses during summer is rather time consuming. I was fully prepared to take two, especially since I don't have anything really going on in my life right now. I prefer to keep myself busy and away from the apartment and my crazy and bitchy landlord.
David moved some of his stuff into my apartment because he could no longer afford to live in his room. So he's either rooming with a friend, and not me for some reason, and has most of his stuff in storage. I have some of his car stuff, his important documents and some miscellaneous items. And his alcohol which I refuse to drink. I'm picky. I think he might end up renting a loft in an apartment until September. I think he just prefers to be close to downtown or campus where he spends most of his time preparing for his exam and conducting research. He's very busy.
Anyway, I called the dean's office on Friday to let them know that I could only afford one class. My advisor actually picked up the phone and I was on her list of persons to call regarding readmission.
But right before I called the dean's office the landlord told me and another housemate that we would be forced to vacate the unit by the end of the month because she was cancelling the lease. She had a family emergency and needed to sell or transfer her belongings to her family and attend to her grandfather in Mexico who had been in a car accident. My primary concern was getting my deposit back. After her announcement I talked to my academic advisor. I was pretty overwhelmed by the information she gave me and she inadvertently struck a nerve. I started bawling on the phone because she kept insinuating that I would have to speak to someone related to my most recent rape experience.
I managed to calm down enough to confirm that I could take one class for readmission. She promised to call back on Monday.
The weekend was largely uneventful. I told David that I would need to move to a new place. This piqued his interest and he inquired about taking over the lease at my current place. Ultimately it seemed like a bad idea b/c the rent is a bit of a mystery and asking the landlord is like pulling nails. She tends to "scream" at me when I discuss the living situation via text. So I prefer just to avoid her and her drama. I feel bad for her but that does not give her an excuse to act unprofessionally. She is the fucking landlord. She has an obligation to me and the other housemate, period. Frankly she can be a bitch and keep the damn security deposit but I have lost respect and trust for her. I carry my important papers with me at all times now. I just don't want any trouble. I also carry David's. I honestly don't know why he gave them to me.
I asked David if he would like to get a two-bedroom with me. I kind of like the idea of living with him. He is predictable. And given his immigration status he would prefer to avoid trouble. And he is rather skinny so if he tried something I could take him down easily. Overall I do think he tries to be a good person. He acknowledges mistakes and sometimes it seems like he's trying to give me advice so I avoid trouble. I feel like he and I need to talk more because some of the things he does bother me. Like talking about Amanda as much as he does. I mean I get it. They "broke up" or had a falling out about three months ago. But I broke up with my boyfriend less than a month ago. And I'm over it. The boyfriend before that was a thing of the past three months after he abandoned me.
I no longer have a relationship with Amanda. She is essentially a ghost: she doesn't exist in my universe. And since he isn't talking to her she doesn't really exist in his world either. And if Amanda wanted him she would talk to him. As far as I know she hasn't been contacting him.
So I think he either needs to grow a pair and talk to her or move on. He can talk about her sometimes but it feels like he brings her up during 50% of our encounters. And it is starting to bug me. I don't care if he and I are just "friends," out of respect for me he should not talk about Amanda so much. It will trigger me and upset me. It isn't about Amanda or David. It's about reliving the pain I felt by being abandoned by people who I thought loved and cared about me. She was involved in my rape and was among the few people who straight up abandoned me when I was suffering from depression. She and I are not compatible and we will never be friends. Personally I think David needs a therapist or he should try working on a journal or blog like I do on Blogger. This has been very helpful for me in the midst of my pain and frustration.
I am a very emotionally competent person. I generally don't need others to fix my problems. I can do it myself. I only talk to other people to confirm my beliefs or exchange ideas. But I always come to my own conclusions.
David and I need to talk. But I do like the idea of us living together. And since he trusts me he knows I would not steal his stuff or try to hurt him. It's just not in me. I'm only going to give him about a week to make a decision because I need to find a place to live. I'm not going to wait for him forever. I want to make a decision about a week before the 30th.
Other than succeeding in my class my other two main objectives are to submit an SAP appeal and a petition for retroactive withdrawal for Fall 2012. The first will allow me to receive financial aid for school and the second will give me back a term and allow me to retake two classes without needing petitions to retake classes.
I am also trying to get a job before Fall. There aren't as many people in Davis so I have a good chance of getting something. It's usually pretty easy to get a job by Fall. I look forward to working and finally learning how to do my taxes. I don't expect to earn a lot of money but I do want to become more like a real adult. Next I will need a license and a car. I hope David can still help me with driving practice and providing me with one of his car's for the driving test. I keep stock of all, if not most, of the promises he has made thus far. I don't like fairytale bullshit lies, just be honest.
I think he regrets giving Amanda one of his cars b/c of his money troubles. But whatever, that's on him.
David moved some of his stuff into my apartment because he could no longer afford to live in his room. So he's either rooming with a friend, and not me for some reason, and has most of his stuff in storage. I have some of his car stuff, his important documents and some miscellaneous items. And his alcohol which I refuse to drink. I'm picky. I think he might end up renting a loft in an apartment until September. I think he just prefers to be close to downtown or campus where he spends most of his time preparing for his exam and conducting research. He's very busy.
Anyway, I called the dean's office on Friday to let them know that I could only afford one class. My advisor actually picked up the phone and I was on her list of persons to call regarding readmission.
But right before I called the dean's office the landlord told me and another housemate that we would be forced to vacate the unit by the end of the month because she was cancelling the lease. She had a family emergency and needed to sell or transfer her belongings to her family and attend to her grandfather in Mexico who had been in a car accident. My primary concern was getting my deposit back. After her announcement I talked to my academic advisor. I was pretty overwhelmed by the information she gave me and she inadvertently struck a nerve. I started bawling on the phone because she kept insinuating that I would have to speak to someone related to my most recent rape experience.
I managed to calm down enough to confirm that I could take one class for readmission. She promised to call back on Monday.
The weekend was largely uneventful. I told David that I would need to move to a new place. This piqued his interest and he inquired about taking over the lease at my current place. Ultimately it seemed like a bad idea b/c the rent is a bit of a mystery and asking the landlord is like pulling nails. She tends to "scream" at me when I discuss the living situation via text. So I prefer just to avoid her and her drama. I feel bad for her but that does not give her an excuse to act unprofessionally. She is the fucking landlord. She has an obligation to me and the other housemate, period. Frankly she can be a bitch and keep the damn security deposit but I have lost respect and trust for her. I carry my important papers with me at all times now. I just don't want any trouble. I also carry David's. I honestly don't know why he gave them to me.
I asked David if he would like to get a two-bedroom with me. I kind of like the idea of living with him. He is predictable. And given his immigration status he would prefer to avoid trouble. And he is rather skinny so if he tried something I could take him down easily. Overall I do think he tries to be a good person. He acknowledges mistakes and sometimes it seems like he's trying to give me advice so I avoid trouble. I feel like he and I need to talk more because some of the things he does bother me. Like talking about Amanda as much as he does. I mean I get it. They "broke up" or had a falling out about three months ago. But I broke up with my boyfriend less than a month ago. And I'm over it. The boyfriend before that was a thing of the past three months after he abandoned me.
I no longer have a relationship with Amanda. She is essentially a ghost: she doesn't exist in my universe. And since he isn't talking to her she doesn't really exist in his world either. And if Amanda wanted him she would talk to him. As far as I know she hasn't been contacting him.
So I think he either needs to grow a pair and talk to her or move on. He can talk about her sometimes but it feels like he brings her up during 50% of our encounters. And it is starting to bug me. I don't care if he and I are just "friends," out of respect for me he should not talk about Amanda so much. It will trigger me and upset me. It isn't about Amanda or David. It's about reliving the pain I felt by being abandoned by people who I thought loved and cared about me. She was involved in my rape and was among the few people who straight up abandoned me when I was suffering from depression. She and I are not compatible and we will never be friends. Personally I think David needs a therapist or he should try working on a journal or blog like I do on Blogger. This has been very helpful for me in the midst of my pain and frustration.
I am a very emotionally competent person. I generally don't need others to fix my problems. I can do it myself. I only talk to other people to confirm my beliefs or exchange ideas. But I always come to my own conclusions.
David and I need to talk. But I do like the idea of us living together. And since he trusts me he knows I would not steal his stuff or try to hurt him. It's just not in me. I'm only going to give him about a week to make a decision because I need to find a place to live. I'm not going to wait for him forever. I want to make a decision about a week before the 30th.
Other than succeeding in my class my other two main objectives are to submit an SAP appeal and a petition for retroactive withdrawal for Fall 2012. The first will allow me to receive financial aid for school and the second will give me back a term and allow me to retake two classes without needing petitions to retake classes.
I am also trying to get a job before Fall. There aren't as many people in Davis so I have a good chance of getting something. It's usually pretty easy to get a job by Fall. I look forward to working and finally learning how to do my taxes. I don't expect to earn a lot of money but I do want to become more like a real adult. Next I will need a license and a car. I hope David can still help me with driving practice and providing me with one of his car's for the driving test. I keep stock of all, if not most, of the promises he has made thus far. I don't like fairytale bullshit lies, just be honest.
I think he regrets giving Amanda one of his cars b/c of his money troubles. But whatever, that's on him.
Thursday, July 18, 2013
Perhaps I was thirsty and I smelt rain; something feels different
Last week I wanted to purchase some makeup and some clothes at Macy's. I managed to find three pairs of shorts and I chatted with a lady at the makeup counter. I felt a connection with her since we were both born out of state and we both shared the same racial background. Although she's about ten years older than me she has a very young heart and spirit. She married early and so that accounts for some of her stunted growth. She shares some of the same mom problems I have. It was cool talking with her, getting to know her a little bit.
It occurred to me that I wanted to hang out with her. When I suggested that we go out next Tuesday she seemed completely open to the idea. As I left the store with my face prettied up I decided to go out clubbing for the first time in over ten months. Initially I justified my decision by thinking I should reacquaint myself with the old haunts around town before requesting that someone accompany me, such as my new Macy's girlfriend. Ultimately I just wanted to go out and have fun. So before I returned home I asked employees at two restaurants, which turned into clubs at night, about their hours and the atmosphere at night.
After I made it home I created a Yahoo!Answers page to gather some courage. I asked how to have fun by myself at a club. I specifically asked for a woman's perspective. The second answer was absolutely golden: nothing but encouragement. After thanking the responder for her words of wisdom I drank half a bottle of wine and headed out the door. I texted my mom and let her know my plans for the night. She didn't say much more than "okay" so I assumed she was fine with my activities.
After arriving to the first clubbing spot I purchased a drink with an open tab. I would end up purchasing four drinks in total over the course of the night. A bit much. I probably won't have more than two drinks next time. I ended up finding ten dollars while scanning the floor for loose change. While sipping on my first beverage tried talking to a black lady who was standing with two of her cousins. They came from Vacaville for a night out. I thought that perhaps I could hang out with them but they seemed comfortable within their little group. So I walked away and happened upon two other women who was dancing.
I had it in my mind that I wanted to dance with them. I would feel safer that way. So I started talking to one of the ladies about my affiliation with a university dance group. I told her that we offered free dance lessons if she and her friend were interested. Eventually I just started dancing and they didn't seem to mind my presence. I did eventually ask if I could dance with them but one of the ladies laughed and remarked that I was already dancing with them. So we laughed and just kept on. Some people would weave in and out of our little circle. And I would dance with them, too.
When it came time for the two women to leave they said goodbye to me and we exchanged names. Surprisingly one of them had the same name as me: Kendra. It was an interesting discovery. After that I ran into this guy who knew another guy I had briefly dated about three years ago. He said the guy still worked and lived in town. So we danced for a while and he eventually left with his friends. After a while I decided to go to the other club to look for some more money. When I got there I used the restroom and asked the DJ to play a few songs. The DJ did not have any of the songs I wanted to hear. So I just danced until the club was starting to close down. Then I walked outside.
I continued my search for loose change and found nothing. Suddenly I was greeted by a somewhat familiar face. His name is David. I recognized him from previous club meetings. I had not seen him in about eight to ten months. I was a little surprised he recognized me. He told me that a former club officer had visited the same club that night. I hadn't seen her and she wasn't there at the time. So I shrugged. He invited me to his place and I figured why not. It was either accept an invitation or walk home for about 20 minutes. David seemed harmless so I didn't mind.
As we're walking I start speaking to him in Spanish. David is a Mexican international student attending my university. He is a grad student to be exact. Initially he seems a bit bothered by my behavior but I don't really care. After a while he remarks that my Spanish is good so for the remainder of the night we speak to each other almost exclusively in Spanish. Now I personally feel that my Spanish is okay and I sometimes cannot completely understand someone. But I'm skillful in contextual interpretation of language so I can get by most of the time.
David lives downtown so we only have to walk for about five minutes. His room is like a dungeon. It's underneath a house and it has some creepy crawlies, mostly a few spiders. I didn't pay attention to them that night. I don't remember all that happened. We talked, he gave me several beers (I think I had about four, ouch!) and we listened to music from his sound system as well as my phone. Eventually we made out and attempted to have sex. He was too drunk to really keep it up so I just gave him head. He seemed to like it. We eventually made it to his bed and went to sleep. When we woke up he was rather affectionate. Kissing, sweet talk, more Spanish, and suddenly he seems to be talking to me like I'm his girlfriend. Talking about how he pays 1k to live downtown but he could find a studio or apartment close by and he could get two rooms for the both of us.
He talks about spending time with me and how I'm perfect and how he enjoys "this," whatever "this" happens to be. I don't know. I admit I can be extremely gullible and this did feel too good to be true. But I really enjoyed the time together. I was a bit frustrated with some of his behavior and not being able to have intercourse. But he more than won me over with his attention. He really liked to hold onto me and compliment my body. He kissed me a lot. I experienced sensory overload but in a good way. I just felt so happy. I just wanted more of "this."
Eventually we did get up and get dressed. He said we could get something to eat. I suggested soup at a Vietnamese restaurant. He drove me home so that I could shower and get dressed in fresh clean clothes. We went to the restaurant and he ordered beef over rice while I ordered a small chicken soup. I could only eat about 10% of my food before I realized how sick it made me feel. I was experiencing the consequences of drinking too much alcohol. My chest hurt occasionally. He waited until I seemed ready before we left. He paid for the food and he drove me back home. He invited me to go with him to Sacramento for the zombie run. He gave me a quick kiss on the lips, a rather chaste gesture considering all that we had done so far.
Actually since we've been hanging out he has always been rather respectful in public. Of course we are friends so I don't expect him to hold my hand. But he generally holds doors open for me when we enter and exit buildings. And we just walk side by side.
Anyway he texts me when he's ready to pick me up for the zombie run. When he arrives I get into the car and he goes to the gas station to fill up the tank. We make some small talk. He talks about a mutual friend/acquaintance who I no longer speak with. I guess he used to date her or something but he still seems hung up on some conflict they had. I offered my perspective based on how I understand her. She and I have had similar life experiences and while we aren't friends I care about her. So I spent most of the time supporting and defending her and he listened for the most part. He also encouraged me to speak Spanish even if I was uncertain or made mistakes. It's the only way to learn he said.
Perhaps my Spanish is better when I'm relaxed. I was not completely relaxed because I honestly did not know what to expect. Prior to our most recent meeting David and I did not really talk or spend time together. Frankly I did not trust him. I kinda hated him. I thought he was not a good person for Amanda, the mutual acquaintance/friend. He once drove me to my former home and I did not want to talk to him. I was pretty cold for the most part even though he talked to me regarding our so-called friendship. I just remember him saying something about his duty to his friends; I guess he thought of me as a friend even then.
He will talk to me about girls he has tried to meet or girls he has had sex with before. It makes me feel like a guy sometimes. I don't know what he expects me to say. Like "good boy, you fucked that white girl." I'm a heterosexual woman who has considered sex with women. But my interest in women is not remotely similar to his interest in women. So I wouldn't say much unless I felt he did not understand the women he spoke of.
But returning the trip to Sacramento, we arrived and got a bit lost. He gave me his phone to navigate our way to the destination. He phone was not all that intuitive. I eventually ended up using my phone with had a navigation system that was easier for me to interpret. Thank God for Google Maps. When we arrived to the theater we basked in the presence of zombies and their affiliates who stood for pictures and waited to enter the building for a movie marathon. We took pictures with the zombies separately. We made the same mistake with each other's cameras: using the video function. Eventually we got it right. He took a lot of pictures of me with the zombies and I think he only got one or two.
At first I thought we were going in for the movie marathon but he said we were going to eat. So we went to a restaurant called Pizza Rock and shared six slices of pizza. After that we walked to a bar and had some beer. We danced until the bar closed down and walked by to his car. I told him I wanted to go back to his place to dance some more. He was fine with that. In retrospect I'm not sure if he already planned to take me back to his place. But I made sure that was our destination. I wanted a repeat of the previous night. When we got to his room he played music from my phone and gave me some mixed drinks. I did not want to drink too much because I didn't want to hurt my body. But I conceded and had two or three glasses of rum or Bacardi mixed with Squirt. It was actually pretty good. Though I do try to abstain from soda.
I asked him why he seemed to treat me differently when we were outside. I don't remember his words but he got more comfortable, looping his arm around my shoulder. I figure it's just the way he is, though honestly I don't know. I don't know if this is how he treats all of his female friends or if he was giving me special treatment. The morning after I asked him if he was lying about his promises or what he had told me. I think he said no. Once again he drove me back home but not before feeding me some watered down macaroni and cheese. I didn't really like the food but it didn't make me sick or upset my stomach. I don't know, it's free food and he clearly does not seem to know how to cook from scratch. This was frozen macaroni and cheese. He really should have gotten the box variety which tastes way better though it requires more time to prepare.
Later that night he texted me to remind me that he was going to take me to class tomorrow. He wished me good luck with my "exam" and I eventually fell asleep. In the morning he picked me up and drove me to school. He waited about two hours until class let out. He drove me to Macy's so I could buy some compact powder foundation and he got us some McDonald's. After that he dropped me off at school and told me we would go swimming and watch a movie in Vacaville on Thursday.
He told me about some financial aid issues he was having. His advisor did not send a letter so it caused his aid to be delayed. But the situation was eventually resolved like I thought it would be. For a while he was considering selling his cars to pay for school and then take out a loan (he is blessed with good credit). He also talked about his problem with alcohol and his family's history with alcoholism. He did suffer some significant health problems because of his drinking. So he is trying to cut back. I don't know how successful he has been so far. I let him know that his problem concerned me.
He also told me about how one of his brothers was kidnapped, likely due to his involvement with drugs. I figured he might be dead but he says his fate is uncertain. He could be alive. I honestly doubt it. It's been three years. Usually people gone that long are dead. But I didn't say much more than that. That's his brother, it's a painful situation. I realize the heart doesn't have closure until you know--at least have a body to bury. A lot of people in Mexico have suffered this way.
So now I am just waiting to see if we will hang out on Thursday. I do wonder if he was serious regarding everything he told me. We are just friends but I feel like we have really connected. But I take everything with a grain of salt. This could just be a summer fling and we won't talk much or see each other during the school year. And I am leaving town in about a year for San Diego. But I gotta be honest I have been horny for like three days straight. I want us to have at least one legit fuck session. He really needs to control his drinking, hahaha. I wouldn't mind if he held me some more and kissed me. Sucked my tits. Tasted my skin.
I need a shower.
It occurred to me that I wanted to hang out with her. When I suggested that we go out next Tuesday she seemed completely open to the idea. As I left the store with my face prettied up I decided to go out clubbing for the first time in over ten months. Initially I justified my decision by thinking I should reacquaint myself with the old haunts around town before requesting that someone accompany me, such as my new Macy's girlfriend. Ultimately I just wanted to go out and have fun. So before I returned home I asked employees at two restaurants, which turned into clubs at night, about their hours and the atmosphere at night.
After I made it home I created a Yahoo!Answers page to gather some courage. I asked how to have fun by myself at a club. I specifically asked for a woman's perspective. The second answer was absolutely golden: nothing but encouragement. After thanking the responder for her words of wisdom I drank half a bottle of wine and headed out the door. I texted my mom and let her know my plans for the night. She didn't say much more than "okay" so I assumed she was fine with my activities.
After arriving to the first clubbing spot I purchased a drink with an open tab. I would end up purchasing four drinks in total over the course of the night. A bit much. I probably won't have more than two drinks next time. I ended up finding ten dollars while scanning the floor for loose change. While sipping on my first beverage tried talking to a black lady who was standing with two of her cousins. They came from Vacaville for a night out. I thought that perhaps I could hang out with them but they seemed comfortable within their little group. So I walked away and happened upon two other women who was dancing.
I had it in my mind that I wanted to dance with them. I would feel safer that way. So I started talking to one of the ladies about my affiliation with a university dance group. I told her that we offered free dance lessons if she and her friend were interested. Eventually I just started dancing and they didn't seem to mind my presence. I did eventually ask if I could dance with them but one of the ladies laughed and remarked that I was already dancing with them. So we laughed and just kept on. Some people would weave in and out of our little circle. And I would dance with them, too.
When it came time for the two women to leave they said goodbye to me and we exchanged names. Surprisingly one of them had the same name as me: Kendra. It was an interesting discovery. After that I ran into this guy who knew another guy I had briefly dated about three years ago. He said the guy still worked and lived in town. So we danced for a while and he eventually left with his friends. After a while I decided to go to the other club to look for some more money. When I got there I used the restroom and asked the DJ to play a few songs. The DJ did not have any of the songs I wanted to hear. So I just danced until the club was starting to close down. Then I walked outside.
I continued my search for loose change and found nothing. Suddenly I was greeted by a somewhat familiar face. His name is David. I recognized him from previous club meetings. I had not seen him in about eight to ten months. I was a little surprised he recognized me. He told me that a former club officer had visited the same club that night. I hadn't seen her and she wasn't there at the time. So I shrugged. He invited me to his place and I figured why not. It was either accept an invitation or walk home for about 20 minutes. David seemed harmless so I didn't mind.
As we're walking I start speaking to him in Spanish. David is a Mexican international student attending my university. He is a grad student to be exact. Initially he seems a bit bothered by my behavior but I don't really care. After a while he remarks that my Spanish is good so for the remainder of the night we speak to each other almost exclusively in Spanish. Now I personally feel that my Spanish is okay and I sometimes cannot completely understand someone. But I'm skillful in contextual interpretation of language so I can get by most of the time.
David lives downtown so we only have to walk for about five minutes. His room is like a dungeon. It's underneath a house and it has some creepy crawlies, mostly a few spiders. I didn't pay attention to them that night. I don't remember all that happened. We talked, he gave me several beers (I think I had about four, ouch!) and we listened to music from his sound system as well as my phone. Eventually we made out and attempted to have sex. He was too drunk to really keep it up so I just gave him head. He seemed to like it. We eventually made it to his bed and went to sleep. When we woke up he was rather affectionate. Kissing, sweet talk, more Spanish, and suddenly he seems to be talking to me like I'm his girlfriend. Talking about how he pays 1k to live downtown but he could find a studio or apartment close by and he could get two rooms for the both of us.
He talks about spending time with me and how I'm perfect and how he enjoys "this," whatever "this" happens to be. I don't know. I admit I can be extremely gullible and this did feel too good to be true. But I really enjoyed the time together. I was a bit frustrated with some of his behavior and not being able to have intercourse. But he more than won me over with his attention. He really liked to hold onto me and compliment my body. He kissed me a lot. I experienced sensory overload but in a good way. I just felt so happy. I just wanted more of "this."
Eventually we did get up and get dressed. He said we could get something to eat. I suggested soup at a Vietnamese restaurant. He drove me home so that I could shower and get dressed in fresh clean clothes. We went to the restaurant and he ordered beef over rice while I ordered a small chicken soup. I could only eat about 10% of my food before I realized how sick it made me feel. I was experiencing the consequences of drinking too much alcohol. My chest hurt occasionally. He waited until I seemed ready before we left. He paid for the food and he drove me back home. He invited me to go with him to Sacramento for the zombie run. He gave me a quick kiss on the lips, a rather chaste gesture considering all that we had done so far.
Actually since we've been hanging out he has always been rather respectful in public. Of course we are friends so I don't expect him to hold my hand. But he generally holds doors open for me when we enter and exit buildings. And we just walk side by side.
Anyway he texts me when he's ready to pick me up for the zombie run. When he arrives I get into the car and he goes to the gas station to fill up the tank. We make some small talk. He talks about a mutual friend/acquaintance who I no longer speak with. I guess he used to date her or something but he still seems hung up on some conflict they had. I offered my perspective based on how I understand her. She and I have had similar life experiences and while we aren't friends I care about her. So I spent most of the time supporting and defending her and he listened for the most part. He also encouraged me to speak Spanish even if I was uncertain or made mistakes. It's the only way to learn he said.
Perhaps my Spanish is better when I'm relaxed. I was not completely relaxed because I honestly did not know what to expect. Prior to our most recent meeting David and I did not really talk or spend time together. Frankly I did not trust him. I kinda hated him. I thought he was not a good person for Amanda, the mutual acquaintance/friend. He once drove me to my former home and I did not want to talk to him. I was pretty cold for the most part even though he talked to me regarding our so-called friendship. I just remember him saying something about his duty to his friends; I guess he thought of me as a friend even then.
He will talk to me about girls he has tried to meet or girls he has had sex with before. It makes me feel like a guy sometimes. I don't know what he expects me to say. Like "good boy, you fucked that white girl." I'm a heterosexual woman who has considered sex with women. But my interest in women is not remotely similar to his interest in women. So I wouldn't say much unless I felt he did not understand the women he spoke of.
But returning the trip to Sacramento, we arrived and got a bit lost. He gave me his phone to navigate our way to the destination. He phone was not all that intuitive. I eventually ended up using my phone with had a navigation system that was easier for me to interpret. Thank God for Google Maps. When we arrived to the theater we basked in the presence of zombies and their affiliates who stood for pictures and waited to enter the building for a movie marathon. We took pictures with the zombies separately. We made the same mistake with each other's cameras: using the video function. Eventually we got it right. He took a lot of pictures of me with the zombies and I think he only got one or two.
At first I thought we were going in for the movie marathon but he said we were going to eat. So we went to a restaurant called Pizza Rock and shared six slices of pizza. After that we walked to a bar and had some beer. We danced until the bar closed down and walked by to his car. I told him I wanted to go back to his place to dance some more. He was fine with that. In retrospect I'm not sure if he already planned to take me back to his place. But I made sure that was our destination. I wanted a repeat of the previous night. When we got to his room he played music from my phone and gave me some mixed drinks. I did not want to drink too much because I didn't want to hurt my body. But I conceded and had two or three glasses of rum or Bacardi mixed with Squirt. It was actually pretty good. Though I do try to abstain from soda.
I asked him why he seemed to treat me differently when we were outside. I don't remember his words but he got more comfortable, looping his arm around my shoulder. I figure it's just the way he is, though honestly I don't know. I don't know if this is how he treats all of his female friends or if he was giving me special treatment. The morning after I asked him if he was lying about his promises or what he had told me. I think he said no. Once again he drove me back home but not before feeding me some watered down macaroni and cheese. I didn't really like the food but it didn't make me sick or upset my stomach. I don't know, it's free food and he clearly does not seem to know how to cook from scratch. This was frozen macaroni and cheese. He really should have gotten the box variety which tastes way better though it requires more time to prepare.
Later that night he texted me to remind me that he was going to take me to class tomorrow. He wished me good luck with my "exam" and I eventually fell asleep. In the morning he picked me up and drove me to school. He waited about two hours until class let out. He drove me to Macy's so I could buy some compact powder foundation and he got us some McDonald's. After that he dropped me off at school and told me we would go swimming and watch a movie in Vacaville on Thursday.
He told me about some financial aid issues he was having. His advisor did not send a letter so it caused his aid to be delayed. But the situation was eventually resolved like I thought it would be. For a while he was considering selling his cars to pay for school and then take out a loan (he is blessed with good credit). He also talked about his problem with alcohol and his family's history with alcoholism. He did suffer some significant health problems because of his drinking. So he is trying to cut back. I don't know how successful he has been so far. I let him know that his problem concerned me.
He also told me about how one of his brothers was kidnapped, likely due to his involvement with drugs. I figured he might be dead but he says his fate is uncertain. He could be alive. I honestly doubt it. It's been three years. Usually people gone that long are dead. But I didn't say much more than that. That's his brother, it's a painful situation. I realize the heart doesn't have closure until you know--at least have a body to bury. A lot of people in Mexico have suffered this way.
So now I am just waiting to see if we will hang out on Thursday. I do wonder if he was serious regarding everything he told me. We are just friends but I feel like we have really connected. But I take everything with a grain of salt. This could just be a summer fling and we won't talk much or see each other during the school year. And I am leaving town in about a year for San Diego. But I gotta be honest I have been horny for like three days straight. I want us to have at least one legit fuck session. He really needs to control his drinking, hahaha. I wouldn't mind if he held me some more and kissed me. Sucked my tits. Tasted my skin.
I need a shower.
Wednesday, July 3, 2013
Return to madness
It's been a long time since I paid any attention to this blog. While I was away I had life experiences--some good, some bad. And the bad ones have left deep internal wounds that I'm trying to learn how to cope with. Lately it has been very difficult. I don't mind discussing these issues since no one really knows who I am unless they're aware of my blog via Facebook. I suppose first I should establish some ground rules for anyone who happens to stumble upon this blog.
- You are not entitled to commentary on my blog. If you say something that offends me or other users I will eliminate your statements and I may block you. I really don't care for bullshit and bigoted nonsense. I'm a wreck as is and I already feel like I'm headed to any early grave. So I don't need triggers, I don't need anymore panic attacks. I just need this to be my space and if you're a kindred spirit you can share in the experience.
- I do want to be open to people who have similar issues and wish to talk to someone. I'm a very lonely person so I've been trying to find ways to cope with loneliness and my inability to form deep and intimate relationships with other people. I wish I knew people that I could call my friends but I have learned that most of the people I know are just "friends of convenience." Accepting this truth is hard but I'm trying to get used to it. I just wish I wasn't so afraid to talk to people. I already assume that no one wants to be my friend and so addressing the issue of friendship would probably be undesirable. I know that should I have an emergency I can probably ask someone for something but I can't expect people to be there in the aftermath when I really need someone. Anyway, if you want to talk just let me know.
- I want people to proceed with caution if they decide to use of racial, ethnic, gender, sexuality, dis/ability and other types of slurs and discriminatory language. I myself am a black woman so I don't tolerate someone being racist, sexist or misogynistic toward me. And I won't accept people trying to hurt others who are also minorities. As an ally it's just basic courtesy for me to stand up for people regardless of whether or not I identify with said groups. I will also try and follow this rule myself. But if you find something questionable feel free to let me know. I may make mention of certain language, for instance dropping the b-bomb if I'm venting, but it will most likely just be in an effort to educate other people regarding my beliefs. I would probably only use the b-word and n-word. I also use "queer" as an umbrella term.
- Do not expect me to be a representative for any of the groups I identify with. I am an individual and I can only speak from my experience. Depending on the subject I may generalize but I will always use adjectives such as "some," so as not to use hyperbolic statements. If addressing white supremacy or institutional racism my wording may not conform to that standard. But I think most people will understand what I mean when I say that I'm addressing a system that people benefit from and may even participate in actively.
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