This week was interesting. I had my first midterm this Friday and I'm not sure that I passed. To be honest I was painfully unprepared. I hadn't realized how much material we had covered in just five days--over twelve chapters of material to be exact. It has been a long time since I last attended a science course. In the past I never had a legitimate studying method. I can remember most things by simply reading over notes and sometimes dictating them aloud. So to avoid the difficulties I had this week I either need to study-proof my room or use the library during limited summer hours. I can't really concentrate on lecture material if there is too much noise. This means I can't even listen to music which I sometimes use to cancel out other noise. It would also be helpful if I slept a little earlier. I have been a little sleep-deprived.
I dealt with a lot of stress this week. I went to the police department to request a copy of the police report. I was informed on Thursday that I could pick up the report but decided not to since it would have only distressed me. It would have also been a waste of valuable study time. I will probably pick it up Saturday. I applied for two jobs this week and I have several more that require my attention. Cover letters and applications can be very time-consuming. The idea of contacting former employers and references is nerve-wrecking. I haven't talked to most of these people in more than two years. While I have been coached on the proper way to broach the subject I am still uncertain about communicating with them. I will have to try if I want to submit job applications. I'm pretty sure I will acquire at least one interview . . . eventually. I'm not confident that I will obtain a job by September.
I looked for rooms and jobs throughout the week. I also set up tours for Thursday. My search took up a significant amount of time. I wasted a lot of time when I should have been studying. I don't like the idea of being forced to leave my apartment before the end of the month so I feel especially pressured to find another room as soon as possible. This has never happened to me before. I am a little worried. I don't have a lot of resources or persons whom I would consider dependable and available. So I could wind up being homeless and having my things infested with vermin or stolen. David was supposed to accompany me on Thursday but at the last minute he told me that his car had been broken into. I had to cancel the plans. In a strange way this was a bit fortuitous because I had extra time to study. I guess both of us have had a bit of bad luck lately. I suppose this was a lesson in not making plans that revolve around another person, especially when there is a lack of communication or confirmation of said plans.
I realize that he really isn't at fault. I don't think he intends to take me or my time for granted. I don't have a lot of people to talk to or anyone I would consider a true friend so I put all my eggs into one basket. Before he has suggested that I try to make other friends. But honestly I don't think it would be a successful endeavor. I can try but to be honest socialization can be very tiring. I have dealt with enough abusive people to last me a lifetime. I don't want to put myself out there when I don't have a lot of resources. I don't want stalkers. I don't want people to verbally abuse me. I don't want anymore rapists. I don't want tactless liars. It's not easy for me. He doesn't have to worry about being raped so I don't think he could really understand the source of my fears and social anxiety. If I can muster the courage to venture into unknown territory is a gift unto anyone I happen to encounter. Ultimately I should not care if certain people do not appreciate this gift. I just don't like wasting energy or time. I prefer to invest in people who could become special to me. I think David has that potential, but it's difficult.
I wonder if he will always be this busy. And ultimately does he see me in his long-term social relationships? I think that I could deal with being a transitory space. But I can't lie . . . it could hurt. I already have issues with feeling like a non-person. I'm trying my best to protect myself.
I am bothered by the fact that we haven't had sex since we first reunited. I figure it's because he's busy, stressed out and he prefers other activities like seeing movies, eating lunch, etc. Pretty normal activities. But I'm not sure if he just invites me so he has someone to accompany him or if he wants to make sure we're doing things we can both enjoy without it seeming completely self-serving and just a gateway to sex. But I feel weird. Like wouldn't he like to have sex? I just miss the intimacy. We generally don't really touch each other. Last time he touched me he gave me a hug. Why can't he at least hug me? I know I don't really initiate physical contact but that's b/c I don't want to bother people. And it can seem unnatural. But I like to be touched sometimes. I don't know what to think but I can't really talk about this issue unless he has time to see me. There's a lot of things I would like to talk about but out of consideration for his situation I intend to wait a little bit. As long as he doesn't take about Amanda ad nauseum I think I will be fine.
I'm not a PhD student and I haven't just lost my job. I'm not working on any research. I don't have a car so I can't complain about one being broken into. I understand he is busy. I don't really know b/c his situation is relatively unknown to me, outside of my range of experience. But I am considerate so I'm not angry with him or anything. I was pretty stressed out myself so him telling me his situation last minute complicated my plans a little bit. But I still have two weeks to find a place to live so things will probably be just fine. I wish we could talk and see each other more often but I can deal with it. I'm pretty independent. But I can say with a great deal of certainty that without technology I would probably go crazy with all of this time I spend by myself. I need to rearrange my life so I don't feel like I'm just waiting for him. Otherwise I will be disappointed if this "thing" doesn't turn out to be much of anything. I'm prepared for us to just stop talking or have a falling out. And I'm pretty sure the universe will set into place opportunities for me to meet other people--other guys, other women. B/c of our familiarity I don't see David as just another fish in the sea. Considering that since I first met him he was just an afterthought it is amazing how much I care about him now. So it will probably hurt for a while if things don't work out but I will get over it. I always have. Life moves on even if bad people don't suffer consequences for their wrong doing. It has real-world consequences for me but I can only do so much to alleviate the pain. But life doesn't stop and so I might take a break but eventually I get back up and keep working.
This weekend I am doing my hair. I might do a protein treatment but I'm not sure. I want to keep things simple so that my whole wash and style routine lasts no more than five to six hours. I also have some reading to do before lecture on Monday. And my discussion group is scheduled to meet on Sunday to work on our presentation. So I will probably do a bit of research before then. I have other miscellaneous tasks to keep me busy such as looking for a room. I will probably take a kickboxing class on Sunday, but I want to make sure that the gym has not suddenly increased the drop-in fee. I feel like the sales representation lied to me in order to try and persuade me to buy gym membership. Some people are just terrible liars. I have made pretense into an art form so I can't really respect people who haven't stepped up their game.
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