Is a family really worth it?

This entry delves into the pressures of maintaining a patriarchal and socially acceptable family unit. I feel my mother has always felt this pressure even though she raised me by herself for most of my life. I always found it weird when men would come in and out of our lives. I never viewed them as father-figures, only referred to them by a given name. My father is mostly absent but at times sends me money on my birthday. I'm perfectly fine with this arrangement though I wouldn't mind if he sent a little more money.

Anyway I've spoken about my mother's boyfriend in the past. I spent time with him and my mother for one week during summer. The beginning was nice and exciting as they allowed me to drive and took me to a fair down south. But slowly they began to gang up on me and verbally bully me. My mom's boyfriend even obstructed my view while driving by turning the rear view mirror away from me. So suffice it to say I get spooked whenever he enters the house.

My mom tries to explain away his behavior by calling it "nagging" but even she is guilty of being mean to me or trying to subject me to his verbal abuse and their arguments. I'm just here for family time. I'm not trying to fight anyone. So I've decided that I can't live with them if this is how things are going to be. If I have no other options I will probably just kill myself. The situation is that bad.

I certainly don't want any unannounced visits to my apartment in my college town. I would call the police if they tried to enter uninvited.

This may seem extreme but I've already been through so much that I want to maintain the peace that I've worked so hard at. I've licked my own wounds and endured a great deal of isolation and loneliness. I do not deserve to suffer under the tyranny of a man-child and my mother who tolerates him. So I can't wait until I get back to my college town so I can spend time with people I like and leave whenever I feel like it. I have to climb higher so that I can escape my cage.

If my mom intends to marry him and he doesn't leave me alone I might not even have children. I certainly don't want him taking them anywhere without my knowledge. Just not feeling the whole prospect of their potential marriage right now. Things either need to improve or my mom just needs to leave him.

I'm changing again

2014 has been a blur thus far. I was dismissed from school once again but the conditions for readmission are rather simple. Money is the only issue. So this summer I intend to work between two and three jobs to make enough for winter quarter. And I intend to continue working through winter and spring quarters. I have an internship lined up when I get back from vacation. I am no longer fixated on David. I sent him a rather honest message about how poorly he has treated me and we have decided to maintain a reasonable distance from each other while we work on ourselves. I met a man who seemed like a bizarre mirror of myself. I could see myself marrying someone like him but his current situation is complicated and he is emotionally unavailable. And he's leaving the country for Europe. So yeah. It's whatever. I wish him well and if we're meant to encounter each other again the universe will set things up.

I have a much clearer idea of what I'd like to do for right now to lead myself to a much better and freer future. I'm very excited about life and  I feel like I have some measure of control over things. I don't have to accept shitty treatment and I can leave whenever I want to. It's still a process but I can definitely feel that things are different now. I'm not the same person I was even two months prior. This change feels good. I'm sure I'll still have some hard times and experience some depression but right now I feel pretty good.

I like my ability to be honest and feel things freely. I don't care as much about how people feel. If people don't like me fuck them; I'm here to live my life and do me. I'm not a house for a baby. I'm not my reproductive organs. I am not a puppet for my family. I am my own person. And I intend to use my gifts and talents in whatever way I see fit.