It's all in your head

I don't know why I tried so hard to get him to talk to me or acknowledge my presence. I know I have a tendency to become very attached to a new person that I have sex with, especially if I find that person attractive or otherwise very appealing. He could be one of the worst human beings to walk the face of the planet but I would still find some reason to consider him the bee's knees. Having had some time to really think the situation over I'm sure Karlen was just using me to have sex. And he would try to manipulate me into believing that our situation was mostly my fault, that I was bothering him and that anything he'd ever said or done was simply an illusion. That I had no reason to be angry with him. He clearly had problems. He was not willing to speak with me by phone, only via Facebook private message, but I still wanted him. I didn't need him but I wanted him. I wanted his company. His attention. I wanted him to spend time with me. I wanted him to want me. I know he didn't need me. But I wish he'd had more to say about me. I wish he didn't treat me like I wasn't a real person.

Technically ones emotions do not reside in the heart. Everything is in our heads. Our experiences occur at the level of the brain. So while he is right, that my feelings are completely mental, it doesn't change the fact that I'm experiencing things with my entire body. Like touch, taste, smell and the other myriad senses. I get hunger pains thinking about the next time I would be able to kiss him. Or to stare into his face. I loved to marvel at him and contemplate the differences between our bodies. Like my arms are longer than his. His body is hairier than mine. His ears are smaller. His hair is black. He wears glasses. He always smells of smoke or pungent cologne. His eyes can be both smoldering and very frightening to look into. Nowadays I am much too fearful to imagine us even seeing each other again. He has hurt me and scarred me very badly. I can't help but go back to his final words: "It's all in your head."

I can't be with someone who would wish me into non-existence. I can't be with someone who wants to invalidate my feelings and lived experience. It's a powerful sort of magic, very dangerous and destructive. I've survived it once before but I'm not strong enough to deal with it on a constant basis. So I need to be more careful, to defend myself against such uncaring individuals in the future. I need to stop wanting to have a boyfriend or a life partner, especially while I'm in such a vulnerable situation. I'm just now starting my rebirth. Jettisoning habits and beliefs that no longer suit me. It is a very painful process and has led to an increase in suicidal thoughts and feelings of hopelessness. But this chaotic state is likely what is needed for me to be on my way to some better state of being. To becoming a fully realized person, in my own image.

As a person I still have my weaknesses. I will continue doing very dirty things in order to keep myself alive. I just have to keep going somehow. I want to keep trying. But I would rather avoid revisiting this sort of pain again.

Suicide: there is always a way out of a bad situation

Recently I read a post by fellow blogger Francis L. Holland regarding a recent upward trend in visits to his site. The impetus appeared to be increasing thoughts or interest in suicide among his readers. I'm somewhat familiar with the desire for self-harm. When I was in high school I attempted to OD on diet pills to see what would happen. Thankfully I did not suffer anything worse than a minor head ache. I've had friends who cut themselves to try to find relief from their turbulent environments and feelings of isolation and hopelessness. I would usually only find out about this after the fact. I had no real way of helping them with their problems; all I could do was listen.

So I understand a little about the desire to hurt oneself even to the point of ending ones life. I myself have travelled around town looking for bridges to jump off of. I've contemplated whether or not a collision with a car could knock the life out of me. I've researched poisons and their relative efficacy. Dying in my apartment seems like a terrible idea because it would be a burden on my housemate and my blood soaking the carpet would ruin any chances of management surrendering the security deposit. I've considered taking up residence in my housemate's upstairs bathtub, slitting my wrist and allowing time to pass slowly before I fade into unconsciousness.

There seem to be so many wonderful ways to die. I feel like I just have to wait for the right occasion and opportunity. It's not nice to kill myself while my mother is still alive so I would prefer to wait until she has passed. But if I find that I can't sustain myself for that long then I will try to make my death as burdenless as possible. I will have my debts paid off and have money set aside so my mother can enjoy her retirement comfortably. And perhaps by then I will have made some worthwhile contribution to the survival of earth and its inhabitants.

I don't think anyone needs to suffer, especially in an oppressive situation. Suicide can be a way out. You will not suffer eternal damnation by killing yourself. If you need to do it don't let the condemnation of others weigh you down. Free yourself. But if you have doubts about committing suicide just spend time with someone else. Hell, feel free to talk to me. You are not alone in your feelings. You are not the only one to have felt such insurmountable sadness and loneliness. Maybe there is a way out. You owe it to the rest of the world to try to find a solution to your predicaments. There will surely be someone who cares enough to try to help you find your own fire to light your darkened path.

I am trying. You can keep trying with me.

An angel without wings

I've been called an angel without wings by an older man I know in my college town. He can get a little too close for comfort at times; on one occasion he wiped my nose for me while I was suffering from allergies. So I try to keep a firm distance though I recognize that he is a nice and passionate individual. I've been thinking about the metaphor he used to describe me. I figured I would run with it and see where it takes me.

Sometimes I do feel like an otherworldly visitor on this planet. I could have been a angel from another planetary realm--Neptune, for instance. I must flown too close to the earth's atmosphere. Perhaps my wings disintegrated when I entered the ozone and I plummeted to the surface. I've been down here for a while hoping that my wings would grow back. But all I have is this scar at the center of my back. Like a rotten and dry tree trunk--a dead thing.

So I have lived here, mostly in isolation. Too sensitive to the cruelties and vices of the inhabitants surrounding me. I try to go with the flow, but like a rock I generally remain unswayed. I tend to do things on my own and leave when I sense death around the bend. Should someone recognize that I'm not from here I'm sure that person would seek to eliminate me or make my existence even more uncomfortable. I try to emulate the dialects and mannerisms that I am exposed to. Sometimes I am successful but it does not earn me any sincere companions.

Adults seem to like me. Perhaps to them I am like an exotic little bird. I'm foreign and unfamiliar but still pleasing to the senses.

I tried to worship like members of my clan but determined that I could not speak with their deity. I was simply pretending. So I stopped participating in their rituals although I maintained a strong connection to the music. My spirituality remained intact.

I provided comfort and understanding to my peers but was often not rewarded with the same treatment. I have since learned to be more selfish and to protect myself more. A dead angel cannot ascend back to her Neptunian home so I have to keep myself alive. Like other earthlings I have to pick my battles and accept that I cannot save everyone. I may even lead others to their deaths.

I miss the cold, the ice rains and the everlasting darkness. Sunlight takes some getting used to here. Before I would only go out under cloak of darkness even against the wishes of those who wish to police me for having fat in my breasts and a vulva instead of a penis. But I've since gotten used to the sun. It brings me a different kind of energy, lightens my mood from time to time. As I've gotten older I've started to shed some of the shame that has grown on me since coming to this planet.

If my wings ever do grow back I wonder what kind of creature I will have become. Will I even be recognizable to my family? Perhaps I should just remain here and go on pretending to be human. But really I am just an angel without wings and I'm so far away from home. Maybe I will never reach this place called home. Maybe it doesn't exist anymore.

Is a family really worth it?

This entry delves into the pressures of maintaining a patriarchal and socially acceptable family unit. I feel my mother has always felt this pressure even though she raised me by herself for most of my life. I always found it weird when men would come in and out of our lives. I never viewed them as father-figures, only referred to them by a given name. My father is mostly absent but at times sends me money on my birthday. I'm perfectly fine with this arrangement though I wouldn't mind if he sent a little more money.

Anyway I've spoken about my mother's boyfriend in the past. I spent time with him and my mother for one week during summer. The beginning was nice and exciting as they allowed me to drive and took me to a fair down south. But slowly they began to gang up on me and verbally bully me. My mom's boyfriend even obstructed my view while driving by turning the rear view mirror away from me. So suffice it to say I get spooked whenever he enters the house.

My mom tries to explain away his behavior by calling it "nagging" but even she is guilty of being mean to me or trying to subject me to his verbal abuse and their arguments. I'm just here for family time. I'm not trying to fight anyone. So I've decided that I can't live with them if this is how things are going to be. If I have no other options I will probably just kill myself. The situation is that bad.

I certainly don't want any unannounced visits to my apartment in my college town. I would call the police if they tried to enter uninvited.

This may seem extreme but I've already been through so much that I want to maintain the peace that I've worked so hard at. I've licked my own wounds and endured a great deal of isolation and loneliness. I do not deserve to suffer under the tyranny of a man-child and my mother who tolerates him. So I can't wait until I get back to my college town so I can spend time with people I like and leave whenever I feel like it. I have to climb higher so that I can escape my cage.

If my mom intends to marry him and he doesn't leave me alone I might not even have children. I certainly don't want him taking them anywhere without my knowledge. Just not feeling the whole prospect of their potential marriage right now. Things either need to improve or my mom just needs to leave him.

I'm changing again

2014 has been a blur thus far. I was dismissed from school once again but the conditions for readmission are rather simple. Money is the only issue. So this summer I intend to work between two and three jobs to make enough for winter quarter. And I intend to continue working through winter and spring quarters. I have an internship lined up when I get back from vacation. I am no longer fixated on David. I sent him a rather honest message about how poorly he has treated me and we have decided to maintain a reasonable distance from each other while we work on ourselves. I met a man who seemed like a bizarre mirror of myself. I could see myself marrying someone like him but his current situation is complicated and he is emotionally unavailable. And he's leaving the country for Europe. So yeah. It's whatever. I wish him well and if we're meant to encounter each other again the universe will set things up.

I have a much clearer idea of what I'd like to do for right now to lead myself to a much better and freer future. I'm very excited about life and  I feel like I have some measure of control over things. I don't have to accept shitty treatment and I can leave whenever I want to. It's still a process but I can definitely feel that things are different now. I'm not the same person I was even two months prior. This change feels good. I'm sure I'll still have some hard times and experience some depression but right now I feel pretty good.

I like my ability to be honest and feel things freely. I don't care as much about how people feel. If people don't like me fuck them; I'm here to live my life and do me. I'm not a house for a baby. I'm not my reproductive organs. I am not a puppet for my family. I am my own person. And I intend to use my gifts and talents in whatever way I see fit.