I cried so much yesterday and most of this morning. I have not felt this alone and depressed in a long while. All I could think about was Jose Noel. I don't regret breaking up with him because it needed to be done. But I do miss him. I miss having someone to kiss, someone to hold me, someone who could speak with me even if he had no solution to my problems. I miss emotional and physical intimacy which I feel deprived of because the people I know are either indifferent or neglect my needs. They either pity me or simply want very little to do with me it seems. I don't know . . . perhaps I am that unworthy and unlikeable.
Jose and I had fun. In the beginning sex was almost always fun, though sometimes it hurt because he was big and he would ignore my discomfort. The best sex I ever had was when I was riding on top of him. I had absolute control and it didn't hurt. I just stared at him and eventually he came. He helped me achieve my very first orgasm, a feat he would never repeat because he wasn't very good at listening or taking directions.
Car sex after a night dancing at El Tapatio was amazing. I gave him a hand job as he was driving us home and he moaned constantly. We eventually parked near his home and we had sex in the passenger's seat.
To me it seems so natural to have sex just about anywhere when you're with someone you want to fuck. I've had sex in a car, in the park, in the bathroom and of course in the bedroom. As long as there is relative privacy and a decent level of cleanliness I don't care. I don't understand people who have a certain cultural precept that prevents them from just doing it when there's a good opportunity.
I have not had sex with David in over a month and I honestly don't know why. Either he's lost interest or something is preventing him from doing something. Based on what I know his life does seem pretty stressful right now. But I figure sex helps to relieve stress. Wouldn't it be better than just seeing a movie or something? I feel like our social relationship is completely devoid of intimacy, emotional or physical. He often makes me feel like I'm in a desert looking over a barb-wired fence which separates me from an oasis. I feel deprived. He never tries to touch me. He does ask if I'm all right from time to time and he gave me his car to sleep in. So I suppose he cares on some level but he probably sees me as nothing more than a stray puppy.
It makes me feel like I regret breaking up with Jose, even though I know I had to do it. Jose, even though he resented me, I don't think he would have deprived me this much. We would have at least had sex. He would at least touch me. I like to think that he would. Unless a dead fetus has more value than me in his eyes. I don't know.
I sent him a message over Facebook asking why he doesn't want to speak with me. It would be enough just to know that he is all right. I want to know if he plans to leave the country soon. I just want to know something.
Maybe I'm being punished. I wonder if I'm supposed to just kill myself.
Right now I'm trying to prepare my paperwork so I can submit an SAP Appeal this Friday. If I'm going to finish my degree I need more financial aid. I still don't have a research mentor so that is an issue I need to remedy as fast as possible. I have two people of interest so far. I hope this all works out.
I'm not sure if it's his personality or his addiction to alcohol but David makes me unsure. He seems to have lied about significant things such as his age, his work situation and the fact that he has a DUI. These are all things I wouldn't know if I hadn't snooped around but to be fair I need to make sure that I'm with a safe and stable person. I don't feel I'm in any immediate danger but based on his own admission he can be prone to violence when under the influence. I wish he would be honest with me. I'm a pretty flexible person and quite empathetic. It just seems like I'm nobody to him--not a real person. I need his help right now so for mostly self-preservation reasons I don't intend to ask any probing questions. I just feel a bit disappointed and sad.
At least now I know how to better navigate my interactions with him. I feel like he tries to be a good person. He just may not be completely aware of his altered behavior and personality due to his alcoholism. I can't help him unless he wants help. So he needs to be honest with me. Perhaps he isn't trying to get me involved. That could be the reason for some of his dishonesty.
At this point I can only deal with one person with problems. I really only need to focus on my own. I wish the men that run into me and harass on the street would just stop. Two have been white homeless men with Asian obsessions. I really don't need that in my life right now.
I can't wait until my mom gets me a new tazer.
Tuesday, September 3, 2013
Monday, September 2, 2013
On memories, boxes and the reasons you concern me
Recently David asked me if I missed my ex-boyfriend, Jose Noel. It took me a while to answer. It's complicated. I do miss him. I'm hurt by his decision to no longer see or speak with me. I do feel bad that it seemed like our relationship could not be taken to a further level. I thought that if he could be patient the relationship could grow naturally and I could grow more comfortable. But marriage and babies were a constant topic. I initially only considered marriage out of necessity: to help him remain in the US where he was relatively safe. Ultimately this was a bad idea, something that my mother would frown upon given the circumstances. I couldn't marry him and I know deep down I didn't want to. I knew we weren't compatible. I was just with him because I wanted someone dependable. Someone I could trust. Someone I didn't mind touching me. He wanted a future with someone who could handle a man who is very busy. I wasn't that person.
I don't think I will forget him. And maybe one day we will see each other. I just don't know if he would have anything to say to me. I want him to be all right. I don't want anyone to kill him.
For the time being I am homeless. David lets me sleep in one of his cars. I keep the keys unless he is driving. Things panned out better than I expected. I thought I would have to sleep outside or in a 24-hour building. After pulling an all-nighter packing my things I spent most of Saturday waiting for David to acquire a moving truck. It didn't occur to either of us to get a reservation so ultimately he asked a friend if he could borrow his vehicle. We made the move in two trips. I finished packing before 8 AM. We moved my things outside around 11 AM. He did not return with a truck until about 3 or 4 PM. I waited outside for him for several hours. We finished moving things into storage around 5 or 6 PM.
After that he confirmed that I did not have a place to live. So we looked into getting a motel but found that they were too costly. So he decided that we could just sleep in his car or in the conference room adjacent to his laboratory. I chose the car figuring it would be more comfortable. And it was.
I've gotten to know a little more about David under stress. He can quite irritable and clumsy. Sometimes his behavior worries me. I understand that these conditions are undesirable. Surprisingly just as I was packing he found out that he could no longer stay with his friend because he needed to move out as well. So we both ended up with no place to stay this weekend. He's been in this situation more than once before. But like me he finds showering in a public place to be distasteful. But what can you do when you have no other choice?
I had absolutely nothing to eat all Saturday. I started my period and nearly bled through the pad I had been wearing out of caution. I couldn't change it until about 10 PM at night. I drank water and a carbonated flavored drink that David bought me earlier after I requested something pineapple flavored. The drink actually tasted much better after it had been sitting out in the hot sun for a few hours.
David can be absent-minded, forgetting things frequently. He knew that I hadn't had food all-day. He would remind me that I needed to eat. My menstrual cycle didn't sit well with my stomach so nothing seemed the least bit appetizing. I certainly didn't want McDonald's, which is one of David's popular options. My request for the night was hot tea. He invited me into his lab building so I could microwave a mug of Arizona Tea. It didn't taste bad. I was surprised.
I'm almost convinced that David has been lying about his age. His documents state that he was born in 1983. So I don't see how he could be 27 unless he is stating such for a particular reason. He seems quite self-conscious. He tends to talk about Asian people a lot which to me might suggest an inferiority complex. He's admitted to being somewhat anti-social and having trouble understanding, interpreting and embodying US culture. I don't know how to help him since it seems his busy schedule is what consumes him for the most part. He says that if he were less busy he could be more social. I'm not sure if that's all there is to it. But perhaps it can release a few blocks that might make him inaccessible to other groups of people.
I figure since I kind of told him my ex-boyfriend's age he might be more likely to admit to his own. Or perhaps he can explain the discrepancy I probably shouldn't know about, hehe.
I think I am learning to accept that his attention toward me, or lack thereof, really has nothing to do with me. He has mostly been honest with me and helpful, though often tardy and unprepared. I'm not too judgmental so it's not a big issue. It's possible we can helpful each other with different things. It just remains to be seen. We have a few obstacles to overcome first. I feel our tenuous union shows promise. If he will accept this gift I think that I can help him in some fundamental way. Otherwise I am just here to enjoy the ride.
I don't think I will forget him. And maybe one day we will see each other. I just don't know if he would have anything to say to me. I want him to be all right. I don't want anyone to kill him.
For the time being I am homeless. David lets me sleep in one of his cars. I keep the keys unless he is driving. Things panned out better than I expected. I thought I would have to sleep outside or in a 24-hour building. After pulling an all-nighter packing my things I spent most of Saturday waiting for David to acquire a moving truck. It didn't occur to either of us to get a reservation so ultimately he asked a friend if he could borrow his vehicle. We made the move in two trips. I finished packing before 8 AM. We moved my things outside around 11 AM. He did not return with a truck until about 3 or 4 PM. I waited outside for him for several hours. We finished moving things into storage around 5 or 6 PM.
After that he confirmed that I did not have a place to live. So we looked into getting a motel but found that they were too costly. So he decided that we could just sleep in his car or in the conference room adjacent to his laboratory. I chose the car figuring it would be more comfortable. And it was.
I've gotten to know a little more about David under stress. He can quite irritable and clumsy. Sometimes his behavior worries me. I understand that these conditions are undesirable. Surprisingly just as I was packing he found out that he could no longer stay with his friend because he needed to move out as well. So we both ended up with no place to stay this weekend. He's been in this situation more than once before. But like me he finds showering in a public place to be distasteful. But what can you do when you have no other choice?
I had absolutely nothing to eat all Saturday. I started my period and nearly bled through the pad I had been wearing out of caution. I couldn't change it until about 10 PM at night. I drank water and a carbonated flavored drink that David bought me earlier after I requested something pineapple flavored. The drink actually tasted much better after it had been sitting out in the hot sun for a few hours.
David can be absent-minded, forgetting things frequently. He knew that I hadn't had food all-day. He would remind me that I needed to eat. My menstrual cycle didn't sit well with my stomach so nothing seemed the least bit appetizing. I certainly didn't want McDonald's, which is one of David's popular options. My request for the night was hot tea. He invited me into his lab building so I could microwave a mug of Arizona Tea. It didn't taste bad. I was surprised.
I'm almost convinced that David has been lying about his age. His documents state that he was born in 1983. So I don't see how he could be 27 unless he is stating such for a particular reason. He seems quite self-conscious. He tends to talk about Asian people a lot which to me might suggest an inferiority complex. He's admitted to being somewhat anti-social and having trouble understanding, interpreting and embodying US culture. I don't know how to help him since it seems his busy schedule is what consumes him for the most part. He says that if he were less busy he could be more social. I'm not sure if that's all there is to it. But perhaps it can release a few blocks that might make him inaccessible to other groups of people.
I figure since I kind of told him my ex-boyfriend's age he might be more likely to admit to his own. Or perhaps he can explain the discrepancy I probably shouldn't know about, hehe.
I think I am learning to accept that his attention toward me, or lack thereof, really has nothing to do with me. He has mostly been honest with me and helpful, though often tardy and unprepared. I'm not too judgmental so it's not a big issue. It's possible we can helpful each other with different things. It just remains to be seen. We have a few obstacles to overcome first. I feel our tenuous union shows promise. If he will accept this gift I think that I can help him in some fundamental way. Otherwise I am just here to enjoy the ride.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)