I cried so much yesterday and most of this morning. I have not felt this alone and depressed in a long while. All I could think about was Jose Noel. I don't regret breaking up with him because it needed to be done. But I do miss him. I miss having someone to kiss, someone to hold me, someone who could speak with me even if he had no solution to my problems. I miss emotional and physical intimacy which I feel deprived of because the people I know are either indifferent or neglect my needs. They either pity me or simply want very little to do with me it seems. I don't know . . . perhaps I am that unworthy and unlikeable.
Jose and I had fun. In the beginning sex was almost always fun, though sometimes it hurt because he was big and he would ignore my discomfort. The best sex I ever had was when I was riding on top of him. I had absolute control and it didn't hurt. I just stared at him and eventually he came. He helped me achieve my very first orgasm, a feat he would never repeat because he wasn't very good at listening or taking directions.
Car sex after a night dancing at El Tapatio was amazing. I gave him a hand job as he was driving us home and he moaned constantly. We eventually parked near his home and we had sex in the passenger's seat.
To me it seems so natural to have sex just about anywhere when you're with someone you want to fuck. I've had sex in a car, in the park, in the bathroom and of course in the bedroom. As long as there is relative privacy and a decent level of cleanliness I don't care. I don't understand people who have a certain cultural precept that prevents them from just doing it when there's a good opportunity.
I have not had sex with David in over a month and I honestly don't know why. Either he's lost interest or something is preventing him from doing something. Based on what I know his life does seem pretty stressful right now. But I figure sex helps to relieve stress. Wouldn't it be better than just seeing a movie or something? I feel like our social relationship is completely devoid of intimacy, emotional or physical. He often makes me feel like I'm in a desert looking over a barb-wired fence which separates me from an oasis. I feel deprived. He never tries to touch me. He does ask if I'm all right from time to time and he gave me his car to sleep in. So I suppose he cares on some level but he probably sees me as nothing more than a stray puppy.
It makes me feel like I regret breaking up with Jose, even though I know I had to do it. Jose, even though he resented me, I don't think he would have deprived me this much. We would have at least had sex. He would at least touch me. I like to think that he would. Unless a dead fetus has more value than me in his eyes. I don't know.
I sent him a message over Facebook asking why he doesn't want to speak with me. It would be enough just to know that he is all right. I want to know if he plans to leave the country soon. I just want to know something.
Maybe I'm being punished. I wonder if I'm supposed to just kill myself.
Right now I'm trying to prepare my paperwork so I can submit an SAP Appeal this Friday. If I'm going to finish my degree I need more financial aid. I still don't have a research mentor so that is an issue I need to remedy as fast as possible. I have two people of interest so far. I hope this all works out.
I'm not sure if it's his personality or his addiction to alcohol but David makes me unsure. He seems to have lied about significant things such as his age, his work situation and the fact that he has a DUI. These are all things I wouldn't know if I hadn't snooped around but to be fair I need to make sure that I'm with a safe and stable person. I don't feel I'm in any immediate danger but based on his own admission he can be prone to violence when under the influence. I wish he would be honest with me. I'm a pretty flexible person and quite empathetic. It just seems like I'm nobody to him--not a real person. I need his help right now so for mostly self-preservation reasons I don't intend to ask any probing questions. I just feel a bit disappointed and sad.
At least now I know how to better navigate my interactions with him. I feel like he tries to be a good person. He just may not be completely aware of his altered behavior and personality due to his alcoholism. I can't help him unless he wants help. So he needs to be honest with me. Perhaps he isn't trying to get me involved. That could be the reason for some of his dishonesty.
At this point I can only deal with one person with problems. I really only need to focus on my own. I wish the men that run into me and harass on the street would just stop. Two have been white homeless men with Asian obsessions. I really don't need that in my life right now.
I can't wait until my mom gets me a new tazer.
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