This week was interesting. I had my first midterm this Friday and I'm not sure that I passed. To be honest I was painfully unprepared. I hadn't realized how much material we had covered in just five days--over twelve chapters of material to be exact. It has been a long time since I last attended a science course. In the past I never had a legitimate studying method. I can remember most things by simply reading over notes and sometimes dictating them aloud. So to avoid the difficulties I had this week I either need to study-proof my room or use the library during limited summer hours. I can't really concentrate on lecture material if there is too much noise. This means I can't even listen to music which I sometimes use to cancel out other noise. It would also be helpful if I slept a little earlier. I have been a little sleep-deprived.
I dealt with a lot of stress this week. I went to the police department to request a copy of the police report. I was informed on Thursday that I could pick up the report but decided not to since it would have only distressed me. It would have also been a waste of valuable study time. I will probably pick it up Saturday. I applied for two jobs this week and I have several more that require my attention. Cover letters and applications can be very time-consuming. The idea of contacting former employers and references is nerve-wrecking. I haven't talked to most of these people in more than two years. While I have been coached on the proper way to broach the subject I am still uncertain about communicating with them. I will have to try if I want to submit job applications. I'm pretty sure I will acquire at least one interview . . . eventually. I'm not confident that I will obtain a job by September.
I looked for rooms and jobs throughout the week. I also set up tours for Thursday. My search took up a significant amount of time. I wasted a lot of time when I should have been studying. I don't like the idea of being forced to leave my apartment before the end of the month so I feel especially pressured to find another room as soon as possible. This has never happened to me before. I am a little worried. I don't have a lot of resources or persons whom I would consider dependable and available. So I could wind up being homeless and having my things infested with vermin or stolen. David was supposed to accompany me on Thursday but at the last minute he told me that his car had been broken into. I had to cancel the plans. In a strange way this was a bit fortuitous because I had extra time to study. I guess both of us have had a bit of bad luck lately. I suppose this was a lesson in not making plans that revolve around another person, especially when there is a lack of communication or confirmation of said plans.
I realize that he really isn't at fault. I don't think he intends to take me or my time for granted. I don't have a lot of people to talk to or anyone I would consider a true friend so I put all my eggs into one basket. Before he has suggested that I try to make other friends. But honestly I don't think it would be a successful endeavor. I can try but to be honest socialization can be very tiring. I have dealt with enough abusive people to last me a lifetime. I don't want to put myself out there when I don't have a lot of resources. I don't want stalkers. I don't want people to verbally abuse me. I don't want anymore rapists. I don't want tactless liars. It's not easy for me. He doesn't have to worry about being raped so I don't think he could really understand the source of my fears and social anxiety. If I can muster the courage to venture into unknown territory is a gift unto anyone I happen to encounter. Ultimately I should not care if certain people do not appreciate this gift. I just don't like wasting energy or time. I prefer to invest in people who could become special to me. I think David has that potential, but it's difficult.
I wonder if he will always be this busy. And ultimately does he see me in his long-term social relationships? I think that I could deal with being a transitory space. But I can't lie . . . it could hurt. I already have issues with feeling like a non-person. I'm trying my best to protect myself.
I am bothered by the fact that we haven't had sex since we first reunited. I figure it's because he's busy, stressed out and he prefers other activities like seeing movies, eating lunch, etc. Pretty normal activities. But I'm not sure if he just invites me so he has someone to accompany him or if he wants to make sure we're doing things we can both enjoy without it seeming completely self-serving and just a gateway to sex. But I feel weird. Like wouldn't he like to have sex? I just miss the intimacy. We generally don't really touch each other. Last time he touched me he gave me a hug. Why can't he at least hug me? I know I don't really initiate physical contact but that's b/c I don't want to bother people. And it can seem unnatural. But I like to be touched sometimes. I don't know what to think but I can't really talk about this issue unless he has time to see me. There's a lot of things I would like to talk about but out of consideration for his situation I intend to wait a little bit. As long as he doesn't take about Amanda ad nauseum I think I will be fine.
I'm not a PhD student and I haven't just lost my job. I'm not working on any research. I don't have a car so I can't complain about one being broken into. I understand he is busy. I don't really know b/c his situation is relatively unknown to me, outside of my range of experience. But I am considerate so I'm not angry with him or anything. I was pretty stressed out myself so him telling me his situation last minute complicated my plans a little bit. But I still have two weeks to find a place to live so things will probably be just fine. I wish we could talk and see each other more often but I can deal with it. I'm pretty independent. But I can say with a great deal of certainty that without technology I would probably go crazy with all of this time I spend by myself. I need to rearrange my life so I don't feel like I'm just waiting for him. Otherwise I will be disappointed if this "thing" doesn't turn out to be much of anything. I'm prepared for us to just stop talking or have a falling out. And I'm pretty sure the universe will set into place opportunities for me to meet other people--other guys, other women. B/c of our familiarity I don't see David as just another fish in the sea. Considering that since I first met him he was just an afterthought it is amazing how much I care about him now. So it will probably hurt for a while if things don't work out but I will get over it. I always have. Life moves on even if bad people don't suffer consequences for their wrong doing. It has real-world consequences for me but I can only do so much to alleviate the pain. But life doesn't stop and so I might take a break but eventually I get back up and keep working.
This weekend I am doing my hair. I might do a protein treatment but I'm not sure. I want to keep things simple so that my whole wash and style routine lasts no more than five to six hours. I also have some reading to do before lecture on Monday. And my discussion group is scheduled to meet on Sunday to work on our presentation. So I will probably do a bit of research before then. I have other miscellaneous tasks to keep me busy such as looking for a room. I will probably take a kickboxing class on Sunday, but I want to make sure that the gym has not suddenly increased the drop-in fee. I feel like the sales representation lied to me in order to try and persuade me to buy gym membership. Some people are just terrible liars. I have made pretense into an art form so I can't really respect people who haven't stepped up their game.
Saturday, August 17, 2013
Tuesday, August 6, 2013
I've always wanted to live with a friend
I have decided to take just one class for summer. I confirmed this decision with my academic advisor and I have permission to do this for readmission into the university. Ultimately it was not feasible for me to earn over two thousand dollars in such a short amount of time. So I had no other choice. I'm just relieved that I can take this one class since it will also enable me to acquire an on-campus job, so long as it isn't work-study. I also realize that two courses during summer is rather time consuming. I was fully prepared to take two, especially since I don't have anything really going on in my life right now. I prefer to keep myself busy and away from the apartment and my crazy and bitchy landlord.
David moved some of his stuff into my apartment because he could no longer afford to live in his room. So he's either rooming with a friend, and not me for some reason, and has most of his stuff in storage. I have some of his car stuff, his important documents and some miscellaneous items. And his alcohol which I refuse to drink. I'm picky. I think he might end up renting a loft in an apartment until September. I think he just prefers to be close to downtown or campus where he spends most of his time preparing for his exam and conducting research. He's very busy.
Anyway, I called the dean's office on Friday to let them know that I could only afford one class. My advisor actually picked up the phone and I was on her list of persons to call regarding readmission.
But right before I called the dean's office the landlord told me and another housemate that we would be forced to vacate the unit by the end of the month because she was cancelling the lease. She had a family emergency and needed to sell or transfer her belongings to her family and attend to her grandfather in Mexico who had been in a car accident. My primary concern was getting my deposit back. After her announcement I talked to my academic advisor. I was pretty overwhelmed by the information she gave me and she inadvertently struck a nerve. I started bawling on the phone because she kept insinuating that I would have to speak to someone related to my most recent rape experience.
I managed to calm down enough to confirm that I could take one class for readmission. She promised to call back on Monday.
The weekend was largely uneventful. I told David that I would need to move to a new place. This piqued his interest and he inquired about taking over the lease at my current place. Ultimately it seemed like a bad idea b/c the rent is a bit of a mystery and asking the landlord is like pulling nails. She tends to "scream" at me when I discuss the living situation via text. So I prefer just to avoid her and her drama. I feel bad for her but that does not give her an excuse to act unprofessionally. She is the fucking landlord. She has an obligation to me and the other housemate, period. Frankly she can be a bitch and keep the damn security deposit but I have lost respect and trust for her. I carry my important papers with me at all times now. I just don't want any trouble. I also carry David's. I honestly don't know why he gave them to me.
I asked David if he would like to get a two-bedroom with me. I kind of like the idea of living with him. He is predictable. And given his immigration status he would prefer to avoid trouble. And he is rather skinny so if he tried something I could take him down easily. Overall I do think he tries to be a good person. He acknowledges mistakes and sometimes it seems like he's trying to give me advice so I avoid trouble. I feel like he and I need to talk more because some of the things he does bother me. Like talking about Amanda as much as he does. I mean I get it. They "broke up" or had a falling out about three months ago. But I broke up with my boyfriend less than a month ago. And I'm over it. The boyfriend before that was a thing of the past three months after he abandoned me.
I no longer have a relationship with Amanda. She is essentially a ghost: she doesn't exist in my universe. And since he isn't talking to her she doesn't really exist in his world either. And if Amanda wanted him she would talk to him. As far as I know she hasn't been contacting him.
So I think he either needs to grow a pair and talk to her or move on. He can talk about her sometimes but it feels like he brings her up during 50% of our encounters. And it is starting to bug me. I don't care if he and I are just "friends," out of respect for me he should not talk about Amanda so much. It will trigger me and upset me. It isn't about Amanda or David. It's about reliving the pain I felt by being abandoned by people who I thought loved and cared about me. She was involved in my rape and was among the few people who straight up abandoned me when I was suffering from depression. She and I are not compatible and we will never be friends. Personally I think David needs a therapist or he should try working on a journal or blog like I do on Blogger. This has been very helpful for me in the midst of my pain and frustration.
I am a very emotionally competent person. I generally don't need others to fix my problems. I can do it myself. I only talk to other people to confirm my beliefs or exchange ideas. But I always come to my own conclusions.
David and I need to talk. But I do like the idea of us living together. And since he trusts me he knows I would not steal his stuff or try to hurt him. It's just not in me. I'm only going to give him about a week to make a decision because I need to find a place to live. I'm not going to wait for him forever. I want to make a decision about a week before the 30th.
Other than succeeding in my class my other two main objectives are to submit an SAP appeal and a petition for retroactive withdrawal for Fall 2012. The first will allow me to receive financial aid for school and the second will give me back a term and allow me to retake two classes without needing petitions to retake classes.
I am also trying to get a job before Fall. There aren't as many people in Davis so I have a good chance of getting something. It's usually pretty easy to get a job by Fall. I look forward to working and finally learning how to do my taxes. I don't expect to earn a lot of money but I do want to become more like a real adult. Next I will need a license and a car. I hope David can still help me with driving practice and providing me with one of his car's for the driving test. I keep stock of all, if not most, of the promises he has made thus far. I don't like fairytale bullshit lies, just be honest.
I think he regrets giving Amanda one of his cars b/c of his money troubles. But whatever, that's on him.
David moved some of his stuff into my apartment because he could no longer afford to live in his room. So he's either rooming with a friend, and not me for some reason, and has most of his stuff in storage. I have some of his car stuff, his important documents and some miscellaneous items. And his alcohol which I refuse to drink. I'm picky. I think he might end up renting a loft in an apartment until September. I think he just prefers to be close to downtown or campus where he spends most of his time preparing for his exam and conducting research. He's very busy.
Anyway, I called the dean's office on Friday to let them know that I could only afford one class. My advisor actually picked up the phone and I was on her list of persons to call regarding readmission.
But right before I called the dean's office the landlord told me and another housemate that we would be forced to vacate the unit by the end of the month because she was cancelling the lease. She had a family emergency and needed to sell or transfer her belongings to her family and attend to her grandfather in Mexico who had been in a car accident. My primary concern was getting my deposit back. After her announcement I talked to my academic advisor. I was pretty overwhelmed by the information she gave me and she inadvertently struck a nerve. I started bawling on the phone because she kept insinuating that I would have to speak to someone related to my most recent rape experience.
I managed to calm down enough to confirm that I could take one class for readmission. She promised to call back on Monday.
The weekend was largely uneventful. I told David that I would need to move to a new place. This piqued his interest and he inquired about taking over the lease at my current place. Ultimately it seemed like a bad idea b/c the rent is a bit of a mystery and asking the landlord is like pulling nails. She tends to "scream" at me when I discuss the living situation via text. So I prefer just to avoid her and her drama. I feel bad for her but that does not give her an excuse to act unprofessionally. She is the fucking landlord. She has an obligation to me and the other housemate, period. Frankly she can be a bitch and keep the damn security deposit but I have lost respect and trust for her. I carry my important papers with me at all times now. I just don't want any trouble. I also carry David's. I honestly don't know why he gave them to me.
I asked David if he would like to get a two-bedroom with me. I kind of like the idea of living with him. He is predictable. And given his immigration status he would prefer to avoid trouble. And he is rather skinny so if he tried something I could take him down easily. Overall I do think he tries to be a good person. He acknowledges mistakes and sometimes it seems like he's trying to give me advice so I avoid trouble. I feel like he and I need to talk more because some of the things he does bother me. Like talking about Amanda as much as he does. I mean I get it. They "broke up" or had a falling out about three months ago. But I broke up with my boyfriend less than a month ago. And I'm over it. The boyfriend before that was a thing of the past three months after he abandoned me.
I no longer have a relationship with Amanda. She is essentially a ghost: she doesn't exist in my universe. And since he isn't talking to her she doesn't really exist in his world either. And if Amanda wanted him she would talk to him. As far as I know she hasn't been contacting him.
So I think he either needs to grow a pair and talk to her or move on. He can talk about her sometimes but it feels like he brings her up during 50% of our encounters. And it is starting to bug me. I don't care if he and I are just "friends," out of respect for me he should not talk about Amanda so much. It will trigger me and upset me. It isn't about Amanda or David. It's about reliving the pain I felt by being abandoned by people who I thought loved and cared about me. She was involved in my rape and was among the few people who straight up abandoned me when I was suffering from depression. She and I are not compatible and we will never be friends. Personally I think David needs a therapist or he should try working on a journal or blog like I do on Blogger. This has been very helpful for me in the midst of my pain and frustration.
I am a very emotionally competent person. I generally don't need others to fix my problems. I can do it myself. I only talk to other people to confirm my beliefs or exchange ideas. But I always come to my own conclusions.
David and I need to talk. But I do like the idea of us living together. And since he trusts me he knows I would not steal his stuff or try to hurt him. It's just not in me. I'm only going to give him about a week to make a decision because I need to find a place to live. I'm not going to wait for him forever. I want to make a decision about a week before the 30th.
Other than succeeding in my class my other two main objectives are to submit an SAP appeal and a petition for retroactive withdrawal for Fall 2012. The first will allow me to receive financial aid for school and the second will give me back a term and allow me to retake two classes without needing petitions to retake classes.
I am also trying to get a job before Fall. There aren't as many people in Davis so I have a good chance of getting something. It's usually pretty easy to get a job by Fall. I look forward to working and finally learning how to do my taxes. I don't expect to earn a lot of money but I do want to become more like a real adult. Next I will need a license and a car. I hope David can still help me with driving practice and providing me with one of his car's for the driving test. I keep stock of all, if not most, of the promises he has made thus far. I don't like fairytale bullshit lies, just be honest.
I think he regrets giving Amanda one of his cars b/c of his money troubles. But whatever, that's on him.
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