I don't know why I tried so hard to get him to talk to me or acknowledge my presence. I know I have a tendency to become very attached to a new person that I have sex with, especially if I find that person attractive or otherwise very appealing. He could be one of the worst human beings to walk the face of the planet but I would still find some reason to consider him the bee's knees. Having had some time to really think the situation over I'm sure Karlen was just using me to have sex. And he would try to manipulate me into believing that our situation was mostly my fault, that I was bothering him and that anything he'd ever said or done was simply an illusion. That I had no reason to be angry with him. He clearly had problems. He was not willing to speak with me by phone, only via Facebook private message, but I still wanted him. I didn't need him but I wanted him. I wanted his company. His attention. I wanted him to spend time with me. I wanted him to want me. I know he didn't need me. But I wish he'd had more to say about me. I wish he didn't treat me like I wasn't a real person.
Technically ones emotions do not reside in the heart. Everything is in our heads. Our experiences occur at the level of the brain. So while he is right, that my feelings are completely mental, it doesn't change the fact that I'm experiencing things with my entire body. Like touch, taste, smell and the other myriad senses. I get hunger pains thinking about the next time I would be able to kiss him. Or to stare into his face. I loved to marvel at him and contemplate the differences between our bodies. Like my arms are longer than his. His body is hairier than mine. His ears are smaller. His hair is black. He wears glasses. He always smells of smoke or pungent cologne. His eyes can be both smoldering and very frightening to look into. Nowadays I am much too fearful to imagine us even seeing each other again. He has hurt me and scarred me very badly. I can't help but go back to his final words: "It's all in your head."
I can't be with someone who would wish me into non-existence. I can't be with someone who wants to invalidate my feelings and lived experience. It's a powerful sort of magic, very dangerous and destructive. I've survived it once before but I'm not strong enough to deal with it on a constant basis. So I need to be more careful, to defend myself against such uncaring individuals in the future. I need to stop wanting to have a boyfriend or a life partner, especially while I'm in such a vulnerable situation. I'm just now starting my rebirth. Jettisoning habits and beliefs that no longer suit me. It is a very painful process and has led to an increase in suicidal thoughts and feelings of hopelessness. But this chaotic state is likely what is needed for me to be on my way to some better state of being. To becoming a fully realized person, in my own image.
As a person I still have my weaknesses. I will continue doing very dirty things in order to keep myself alive. I just have to keep going somehow. I want to keep trying. But I would rather avoid revisiting this sort of pain again.
Sunday, August 3, 2014
Monday, July 28, 2014
Suicide: there is always a way out of a bad situation
Recently I read a post by fellow blogger Francis L. Holland regarding a recent upward trend in visits to his site. The impetus appeared to be increasing thoughts or interest in suicide among his readers. I'm somewhat familiar with the desire for self-harm. When I was in high school I attempted to OD on diet pills to see what would happen. Thankfully I did not suffer anything worse than a minor head ache. I've had friends who cut themselves to try to find relief from their turbulent environments and feelings of isolation and hopelessness. I would usually only find out about this after the fact. I had no real way of helping them with their problems; all I could do was listen.
So I understand a little about the desire to hurt oneself even to the point of ending ones life. I myself have travelled around town looking for bridges to jump off of. I've contemplated whether or not a collision with a car could knock the life out of me. I've researched poisons and their relative efficacy. Dying in my apartment seems like a terrible idea because it would be a burden on my housemate and my blood soaking the carpet would ruin any chances of management surrendering the security deposit. I've considered taking up residence in my housemate's upstairs bathtub, slitting my wrist and allowing time to pass slowly before I fade into unconsciousness.
There seem to be so many wonderful ways to die. I feel like I just have to wait for the right occasion and opportunity. It's not nice to kill myself while my mother is still alive so I would prefer to wait until she has passed. But if I find that I can't sustain myself for that long then I will try to make my death as burdenless as possible. I will have my debts paid off and have money set aside so my mother can enjoy her retirement comfortably. And perhaps by then I will have made some worthwhile contribution to the survival of earth and its inhabitants.
I don't think anyone needs to suffer, especially in an oppressive situation. Suicide can be a way out. You will not suffer eternal damnation by killing yourself. If you need to do it don't let the condemnation of others weigh you down. Free yourself. But if you have doubts about committing suicide just spend time with someone else. Hell, feel free to talk to me. You are not alone in your feelings. You are not the only one to have felt such insurmountable sadness and loneliness. Maybe there is a way out. You owe it to the rest of the world to try to find a solution to your predicaments. There will surely be someone who cares enough to try to help you find your own fire to light your darkened path.
I am trying. You can keep trying with me.
So I understand a little about the desire to hurt oneself even to the point of ending ones life. I myself have travelled around town looking for bridges to jump off of. I've contemplated whether or not a collision with a car could knock the life out of me. I've researched poisons and their relative efficacy. Dying in my apartment seems like a terrible idea because it would be a burden on my housemate and my blood soaking the carpet would ruin any chances of management surrendering the security deposit. I've considered taking up residence in my housemate's upstairs bathtub, slitting my wrist and allowing time to pass slowly before I fade into unconsciousness.
There seem to be so many wonderful ways to die. I feel like I just have to wait for the right occasion and opportunity. It's not nice to kill myself while my mother is still alive so I would prefer to wait until she has passed. But if I find that I can't sustain myself for that long then I will try to make my death as burdenless as possible. I will have my debts paid off and have money set aside so my mother can enjoy her retirement comfortably. And perhaps by then I will have made some worthwhile contribution to the survival of earth and its inhabitants.
I don't think anyone needs to suffer, especially in an oppressive situation. Suicide can be a way out. You will not suffer eternal damnation by killing yourself. If you need to do it don't let the condemnation of others weigh you down. Free yourself. But if you have doubts about committing suicide just spend time with someone else. Hell, feel free to talk to me. You are not alone in your feelings. You are not the only one to have felt such insurmountable sadness and loneliness. Maybe there is a way out. You owe it to the rest of the world to try to find a solution to your predicaments. There will surely be someone who cares enough to try to help you find your own fire to light your darkened path.
I am trying. You can keep trying with me.
Saturday, July 12, 2014
An angel without wings
I've been called an angel without wings by an older man I know in my college town. He can get a little too close for comfort at times; on one occasion he wiped my nose for me while I was suffering from allergies. So I try to keep a firm distance though I recognize that he is a nice and passionate individual. I've been thinking about the metaphor he used to describe me. I figured I would run with it and see where it takes me.
Sometimes I do feel like an otherworldly visitor on this planet. I could have been a angel from another planetary realm--Neptune, for instance. I must flown too close to the earth's atmosphere. Perhaps my wings disintegrated when I entered the ozone and I plummeted to the surface. I've been down here for a while hoping that my wings would grow back. But all I have is this scar at the center of my back. Like a rotten and dry tree trunk--a dead thing.
So I have lived here, mostly in isolation. Too sensitive to the cruelties and vices of the inhabitants surrounding me. I try to go with the flow, but like a rock I generally remain unswayed. I tend to do things on my own and leave when I sense death around the bend. Should someone recognize that I'm not from here I'm sure that person would seek to eliminate me or make my existence even more uncomfortable. I try to emulate the dialects and mannerisms that I am exposed to. Sometimes I am successful but it does not earn me any sincere companions.
Adults seem to like me. Perhaps to them I am like an exotic little bird. I'm foreign and unfamiliar but still pleasing to the senses.
I tried to worship like members of my clan but determined that I could not speak with their deity. I was simply pretending. So I stopped participating in their rituals although I maintained a strong connection to the music. My spirituality remained intact.
I provided comfort and understanding to my peers but was often not rewarded with the same treatment. I have since learned to be more selfish and to protect myself more. A dead angel cannot ascend back to her Neptunian home so I have to keep myself alive. Like other earthlings I have to pick my battles and accept that I cannot save everyone. I may even lead others to their deaths.
I miss the cold, the ice rains and the everlasting darkness. Sunlight takes some getting used to here. Before I would only go out under cloak of darkness even against the wishes of those who wish to police me for having fat in my breasts and a vulva instead of a penis. But I've since gotten used to the sun. It brings me a different kind of energy, lightens my mood from time to time. As I've gotten older I've started to shed some of the shame that has grown on me since coming to this planet.
If my wings ever do grow back I wonder what kind of creature I will have become. Will I even be recognizable to my family? Perhaps I should just remain here and go on pretending to be human. But really I am just an angel without wings and I'm so far away from home. Maybe I will never reach this place called home. Maybe it doesn't exist anymore.
Sometimes I do feel like an otherworldly visitor on this planet. I could have been a angel from another planetary realm--Neptune, for instance. I must flown too close to the earth's atmosphere. Perhaps my wings disintegrated when I entered the ozone and I plummeted to the surface. I've been down here for a while hoping that my wings would grow back. But all I have is this scar at the center of my back. Like a rotten and dry tree trunk--a dead thing.
So I have lived here, mostly in isolation. Too sensitive to the cruelties and vices of the inhabitants surrounding me. I try to go with the flow, but like a rock I generally remain unswayed. I tend to do things on my own and leave when I sense death around the bend. Should someone recognize that I'm not from here I'm sure that person would seek to eliminate me or make my existence even more uncomfortable. I try to emulate the dialects and mannerisms that I am exposed to. Sometimes I am successful but it does not earn me any sincere companions.
Adults seem to like me. Perhaps to them I am like an exotic little bird. I'm foreign and unfamiliar but still pleasing to the senses.
I tried to worship like members of my clan but determined that I could not speak with their deity. I was simply pretending. So I stopped participating in their rituals although I maintained a strong connection to the music. My spirituality remained intact.
I provided comfort and understanding to my peers but was often not rewarded with the same treatment. I have since learned to be more selfish and to protect myself more. A dead angel cannot ascend back to her Neptunian home so I have to keep myself alive. Like other earthlings I have to pick my battles and accept that I cannot save everyone. I may even lead others to their deaths.
I miss the cold, the ice rains and the everlasting darkness. Sunlight takes some getting used to here. Before I would only go out under cloak of darkness even against the wishes of those who wish to police me for having fat in my breasts and a vulva instead of a penis. But I've since gotten used to the sun. It brings me a different kind of energy, lightens my mood from time to time. As I've gotten older I've started to shed some of the shame that has grown on me since coming to this planet.
If my wings ever do grow back I wonder what kind of creature I will have become. Will I even be recognizable to my family? Perhaps I should just remain here and go on pretending to be human. But really I am just an angel without wings and I'm so far away from home. Maybe I will never reach this place called home. Maybe it doesn't exist anymore.
Thursday, June 19, 2014
Is a family really worth it?
This entry delves into the pressures of maintaining a patriarchal and socially acceptable family unit. I feel my mother has always felt this pressure even though she raised me by herself for most of my life. I always found it weird when men would come in and out of our lives. I never viewed them as father-figures, only referred to them by a given name. My father is mostly absent but at times sends me money on my birthday. I'm perfectly fine with this arrangement though I wouldn't mind if he sent a little more money.
Anyway I've spoken about my mother's boyfriend in the past. I spent time with him and my mother for one week during summer. The beginning was nice and exciting as they allowed me to drive and took me to a fair down south. But slowly they began to gang up on me and verbally bully me. My mom's boyfriend even obstructed my view while driving by turning the rear view mirror away from me. So suffice it to say I get spooked whenever he enters the house.
My mom tries to explain away his behavior by calling it "nagging" but even she is guilty of being mean to me or trying to subject me to his verbal abuse and their arguments. I'm just here for family time. I'm not trying to fight anyone. So I've decided that I can't live with them if this is how things are going to be. If I have no other options I will probably just kill myself. The situation is that bad.
I certainly don't want any unannounced visits to my apartment in my college town. I would call the police if they tried to enter uninvited.
This may seem extreme but I've already been through so much that I want to maintain the peace that I've worked so hard at. I've licked my own wounds and endured a great deal of isolation and loneliness. I do not deserve to suffer under the tyranny of a man-child and my mother who tolerates him. So I can't wait until I get back to my college town so I can spend time with people I like and leave whenever I feel like it. I have to climb higher so that I can escape my cage.
If my mom intends to marry him and he doesn't leave me alone I might not even have children. I certainly don't want him taking them anywhere without my knowledge. Just not feeling the whole prospect of their potential marriage right now. Things either need to improve or my mom just needs to leave him.
Anyway I've spoken about my mother's boyfriend in the past. I spent time with him and my mother for one week during summer. The beginning was nice and exciting as they allowed me to drive and took me to a fair down south. But slowly they began to gang up on me and verbally bully me. My mom's boyfriend even obstructed my view while driving by turning the rear view mirror away from me. So suffice it to say I get spooked whenever he enters the house.
My mom tries to explain away his behavior by calling it "nagging" but even she is guilty of being mean to me or trying to subject me to his verbal abuse and their arguments. I'm just here for family time. I'm not trying to fight anyone. So I've decided that I can't live with them if this is how things are going to be. If I have no other options I will probably just kill myself. The situation is that bad.
I certainly don't want any unannounced visits to my apartment in my college town. I would call the police if they tried to enter uninvited.
This may seem extreme but I've already been through so much that I want to maintain the peace that I've worked so hard at. I've licked my own wounds and endured a great deal of isolation and loneliness. I do not deserve to suffer under the tyranny of a man-child and my mother who tolerates him. So I can't wait until I get back to my college town so I can spend time with people I like and leave whenever I feel like it. I have to climb higher so that I can escape my cage.
If my mom intends to marry him and he doesn't leave me alone I might not even have children. I certainly don't want him taking them anywhere without my knowledge. Just not feeling the whole prospect of their potential marriage right now. Things either need to improve or my mom just needs to leave him.
I'm changing again
2014 has been a blur thus far. I was dismissed from school once again but the conditions for readmission are rather simple. Money is the only issue. So this summer I intend to work between two and three jobs to make enough for winter quarter. And I intend to continue working through winter and spring quarters. I have an internship lined up when I get back from vacation. I am no longer fixated on David. I sent him a rather honest message about how poorly he has treated me and we have decided to maintain a reasonable distance from each other while we work on ourselves. I met a man who seemed like a bizarre mirror of myself. I could see myself marrying someone like him but his current situation is complicated and he is emotionally unavailable. And he's leaving the country for Europe. So yeah. It's whatever. I wish him well and if we're meant to encounter each other again the universe will set things up.
I have a much clearer idea of what I'd like to do for right now to lead myself to a much better and freer future. I'm very excited about life and I feel like I have some measure of control over things. I don't have to accept shitty treatment and I can leave whenever I want to. It's still a process but I can definitely feel that things are different now. I'm not the same person I was even two months prior. This change feels good. I'm sure I'll still have some hard times and experience some depression but right now I feel pretty good.
I like my ability to be honest and feel things freely. I don't care as much about how people feel. If people don't like me fuck them; I'm here to live my life and do me. I'm not a house for a baby. I'm not my reproductive organs. I am not a puppet for my family. I am my own person. And I intend to use my gifts and talents in whatever way I see fit.
I have a much clearer idea of what I'd like to do for right now to lead myself to a much better and freer future. I'm very excited about life and I feel like I have some measure of control over things. I don't have to accept shitty treatment and I can leave whenever I want to. It's still a process but I can definitely feel that things are different now. I'm not the same person I was even two months prior. This change feels good. I'm sure I'll still have some hard times and experience some depression but right now I feel pretty good.
I like my ability to be honest and feel things freely. I don't care as much about how people feel. If people don't like me fuck them; I'm here to live my life and do me. I'm not a house for a baby. I'm not my reproductive organs. I am not a puppet for my family. I am my own person. And I intend to use my gifts and talents in whatever way I see fit.
Tuesday, September 3, 2013
Me deprime estar sola y sin hogar
I cried so much yesterday and most of this morning. I have not felt this alone and depressed in a long while. All I could think about was Jose Noel. I don't regret breaking up with him because it needed to be done. But I do miss him. I miss having someone to kiss, someone to hold me, someone who could speak with me even if he had no solution to my problems. I miss emotional and physical intimacy which I feel deprived of because the people I know are either indifferent or neglect my needs. They either pity me or simply want very little to do with me it seems. I don't know . . . perhaps I am that unworthy and unlikeable.
Jose and I had fun. In the beginning sex was almost always fun, though sometimes it hurt because he was big and he would ignore my discomfort. The best sex I ever had was when I was riding on top of him. I had absolute control and it didn't hurt. I just stared at him and eventually he came. He helped me achieve my very first orgasm, a feat he would never repeat because he wasn't very good at listening or taking directions.
Car sex after a night dancing at El Tapatio was amazing. I gave him a hand job as he was driving us home and he moaned constantly. We eventually parked near his home and we had sex in the passenger's seat.
To me it seems so natural to have sex just about anywhere when you're with someone you want to fuck. I've had sex in a car, in the park, in the bathroom and of course in the bedroom. As long as there is relative privacy and a decent level of cleanliness I don't care. I don't understand people who have a certain cultural precept that prevents them from just doing it when there's a good opportunity.
I have not had sex with David in over a month and I honestly don't know why. Either he's lost interest or something is preventing him from doing something. Based on what I know his life does seem pretty stressful right now. But I figure sex helps to relieve stress. Wouldn't it be better than just seeing a movie or something? I feel like our social relationship is completely devoid of intimacy, emotional or physical. He often makes me feel like I'm in a desert looking over a barb-wired fence which separates me from an oasis. I feel deprived. He never tries to touch me. He does ask if I'm all right from time to time and he gave me his car to sleep in. So I suppose he cares on some level but he probably sees me as nothing more than a stray puppy.
It makes me feel like I regret breaking up with Jose, even though I know I had to do it. Jose, even though he resented me, I don't think he would have deprived me this much. We would have at least had sex. He would at least touch me. I like to think that he would. Unless a dead fetus has more value than me in his eyes. I don't know.
I sent him a message over Facebook asking why he doesn't want to speak with me. It would be enough just to know that he is all right. I want to know if he plans to leave the country soon. I just want to know something.
Maybe I'm being punished. I wonder if I'm supposed to just kill myself.
Right now I'm trying to prepare my paperwork so I can submit an SAP Appeal this Friday. If I'm going to finish my degree I need more financial aid. I still don't have a research mentor so that is an issue I need to remedy as fast as possible. I have two people of interest so far. I hope this all works out.
I'm not sure if it's his personality or his addiction to alcohol but David makes me unsure. He seems to have lied about significant things such as his age, his work situation and the fact that he has a DUI. These are all things I wouldn't know if I hadn't snooped around but to be fair I need to make sure that I'm with a safe and stable person. I don't feel I'm in any immediate danger but based on his own admission he can be prone to violence when under the influence. I wish he would be honest with me. I'm a pretty flexible person and quite empathetic. It just seems like I'm nobody to him--not a real person. I need his help right now so for mostly self-preservation reasons I don't intend to ask any probing questions. I just feel a bit disappointed and sad.
At least now I know how to better navigate my interactions with him. I feel like he tries to be a good person. He just may not be completely aware of his altered behavior and personality due to his alcoholism. I can't help him unless he wants help. So he needs to be honest with me. Perhaps he isn't trying to get me involved. That could be the reason for some of his dishonesty.
At this point I can only deal with one person with problems. I really only need to focus on my own. I wish the men that run into me and harass on the street would just stop. Two have been white homeless men with Asian obsessions. I really don't need that in my life right now.
I can't wait until my mom gets me a new tazer.
Jose and I had fun. In the beginning sex was almost always fun, though sometimes it hurt because he was big and he would ignore my discomfort. The best sex I ever had was when I was riding on top of him. I had absolute control and it didn't hurt. I just stared at him and eventually he came. He helped me achieve my very first orgasm, a feat he would never repeat because he wasn't very good at listening or taking directions.
Car sex after a night dancing at El Tapatio was amazing. I gave him a hand job as he was driving us home and he moaned constantly. We eventually parked near his home and we had sex in the passenger's seat.
To me it seems so natural to have sex just about anywhere when you're with someone you want to fuck. I've had sex in a car, in the park, in the bathroom and of course in the bedroom. As long as there is relative privacy and a decent level of cleanliness I don't care. I don't understand people who have a certain cultural precept that prevents them from just doing it when there's a good opportunity.
I have not had sex with David in over a month and I honestly don't know why. Either he's lost interest or something is preventing him from doing something. Based on what I know his life does seem pretty stressful right now. But I figure sex helps to relieve stress. Wouldn't it be better than just seeing a movie or something? I feel like our social relationship is completely devoid of intimacy, emotional or physical. He often makes me feel like I'm in a desert looking over a barb-wired fence which separates me from an oasis. I feel deprived. He never tries to touch me. He does ask if I'm all right from time to time and he gave me his car to sleep in. So I suppose he cares on some level but he probably sees me as nothing more than a stray puppy.
It makes me feel like I regret breaking up with Jose, even though I know I had to do it. Jose, even though he resented me, I don't think he would have deprived me this much. We would have at least had sex. He would at least touch me. I like to think that he would. Unless a dead fetus has more value than me in his eyes. I don't know.
I sent him a message over Facebook asking why he doesn't want to speak with me. It would be enough just to know that he is all right. I want to know if he plans to leave the country soon. I just want to know something.
Maybe I'm being punished. I wonder if I'm supposed to just kill myself.
Right now I'm trying to prepare my paperwork so I can submit an SAP Appeal this Friday. If I'm going to finish my degree I need more financial aid. I still don't have a research mentor so that is an issue I need to remedy as fast as possible. I have two people of interest so far. I hope this all works out.
I'm not sure if it's his personality or his addiction to alcohol but David makes me unsure. He seems to have lied about significant things such as his age, his work situation and the fact that he has a DUI. These are all things I wouldn't know if I hadn't snooped around but to be fair I need to make sure that I'm with a safe and stable person. I don't feel I'm in any immediate danger but based on his own admission he can be prone to violence when under the influence. I wish he would be honest with me. I'm a pretty flexible person and quite empathetic. It just seems like I'm nobody to him--not a real person. I need his help right now so for mostly self-preservation reasons I don't intend to ask any probing questions. I just feel a bit disappointed and sad.
At least now I know how to better navigate my interactions with him. I feel like he tries to be a good person. He just may not be completely aware of his altered behavior and personality due to his alcoholism. I can't help him unless he wants help. So he needs to be honest with me. Perhaps he isn't trying to get me involved. That could be the reason for some of his dishonesty.
At this point I can only deal with one person with problems. I really only need to focus on my own. I wish the men that run into me and harass on the street would just stop. Two have been white homeless men with Asian obsessions. I really don't need that in my life right now.
I can't wait until my mom gets me a new tazer.
Monday, September 2, 2013
On memories, boxes and the reasons you concern me
Recently David asked me if I missed my ex-boyfriend, Jose Noel. It took me a while to answer. It's complicated. I do miss him. I'm hurt by his decision to no longer see or speak with me. I do feel bad that it seemed like our relationship could not be taken to a further level. I thought that if he could be patient the relationship could grow naturally and I could grow more comfortable. But marriage and babies were a constant topic. I initially only considered marriage out of necessity: to help him remain in the US where he was relatively safe. Ultimately this was a bad idea, something that my mother would frown upon given the circumstances. I couldn't marry him and I know deep down I didn't want to. I knew we weren't compatible. I was just with him because I wanted someone dependable. Someone I could trust. Someone I didn't mind touching me. He wanted a future with someone who could handle a man who is very busy. I wasn't that person.
I don't think I will forget him. And maybe one day we will see each other. I just don't know if he would have anything to say to me. I want him to be all right. I don't want anyone to kill him.
For the time being I am homeless. David lets me sleep in one of his cars. I keep the keys unless he is driving. Things panned out better than I expected. I thought I would have to sleep outside or in a 24-hour building. After pulling an all-nighter packing my things I spent most of Saturday waiting for David to acquire a moving truck. It didn't occur to either of us to get a reservation so ultimately he asked a friend if he could borrow his vehicle. We made the move in two trips. I finished packing before 8 AM. We moved my things outside around 11 AM. He did not return with a truck until about 3 or 4 PM. I waited outside for him for several hours. We finished moving things into storage around 5 or 6 PM.
After that he confirmed that I did not have a place to live. So we looked into getting a motel but found that they were too costly. So he decided that we could just sleep in his car or in the conference room adjacent to his laboratory. I chose the car figuring it would be more comfortable. And it was.
I've gotten to know a little more about David under stress. He can quite irritable and clumsy. Sometimes his behavior worries me. I understand that these conditions are undesirable. Surprisingly just as I was packing he found out that he could no longer stay with his friend because he needed to move out as well. So we both ended up with no place to stay this weekend. He's been in this situation more than once before. But like me he finds showering in a public place to be distasteful. But what can you do when you have no other choice?
I had absolutely nothing to eat all Saturday. I started my period and nearly bled through the pad I had been wearing out of caution. I couldn't change it until about 10 PM at night. I drank water and a carbonated flavored drink that David bought me earlier after I requested something pineapple flavored. The drink actually tasted much better after it had been sitting out in the hot sun for a few hours.
David can be absent-minded, forgetting things frequently. He knew that I hadn't had food all-day. He would remind me that I needed to eat. My menstrual cycle didn't sit well with my stomach so nothing seemed the least bit appetizing. I certainly didn't want McDonald's, which is one of David's popular options. My request for the night was hot tea. He invited me into his lab building so I could microwave a mug of Arizona Tea. It didn't taste bad. I was surprised.
I'm almost convinced that David has been lying about his age. His documents state that he was born in 1983. So I don't see how he could be 27 unless he is stating such for a particular reason. He seems quite self-conscious. He tends to talk about Asian people a lot which to me might suggest an inferiority complex. He's admitted to being somewhat anti-social and having trouble understanding, interpreting and embodying US culture. I don't know how to help him since it seems his busy schedule is what consumes him for the most part. He says that if he were less busy he could be more social. I'm not sure if that's all there is to it. But perhaps it can release a few blocks that might make him inaccessible to other groups of people.
I figure since I kind of told him my ex-boyfriend's age he might be more likely to admit to his own. Or perhaps he can explain the discrepancy I probably shouldn't know about, hehe.
I think I am learning to accept that his attention toward me, or lack thereof, really has nothing to do with me. He has mostly been honest with me and helpful, though often tardy and unprepared. I'm not too judgmental so it's not a big issue. It's possible we can helpful each other with different things. It just remains to be seen. We have a few obstacles to overcome first. I feel our tenuous union shows promise. If he will accept this gift I think that I can help him in some fundamental way. Otherwise I am just here to enjoy the ride.
I don't think I will forget him. And maybe one day we will see each other. I just don't know if he would have anything to say to me. I want him to be all right. I don't want anyone to kill him.
For the time being I am homeless. David lets me sleep in one of his cars. I keep the keys unless he is driving. Things panned out better than I expected. I thought I would have to sleep outside or in a 24-hour building. After pulling an all-nighter packing my things I spent most of Saturday waiting for David to acquire a moving truck. It didn't occur to either of us to get a reservation so ultimately he asked a friend if he could borrow his vehicle. We made the move in two trips. I finished packing before 8 AM. We moved my things outside around 11 AM. He did not return with a truck until about 3 or 4 PM. I waited outside for him for several hours. We finished moving things into storage around 5 or 6 PM.
After that he confirmed that I did not have a place to live. So we looked into getting a motel but found that they were too costly. So he decided that we could just sleep in his car or in the conference room adjacent to his laboratory. I chose the car figuring it would be more comfortable. And it was.
I've gotten to know a little more about David under stress. He can quite irritable and clumsy. Sometimes his behavior worries me. I understand that these conditions are undesirable. Surprisingly just as I was packing he found out that he could no longer stay with his friend because he needed to move out as well. So we both ended up with no place to stay this weekend. He's been in this situation more than once before. But like me he finds showering in a public place to be distasteful. But what can you do when you have no other choice?
I had absolutely nothing to eat all Saturday. I started my period and nearly bled through the pad I had been wearing out of caution. I couldn't change it until about 10 PM at night. I drank water and a carbonated flavored drink that David bought me earlier after I requested something pineapple flavored. The drink actually tasted much better after it had been sitting out in the hot sun for a few hours.
David can be absent-minded, forgetting things frequently. He knew that I hadn't had food all-day. He would remind me that I needed to eat. My menstrual cycle didn't sit well with my stomach so nothing seemed the least bit appetizing. I certainly didn't want McDonald's, which is one of David's popular options. My request for the night was hot tea. He invited me into his lab building so I could microwave a mug of Arizona Tea. It didn't taste bad. I was surprised.
I'm almost convinced that David has been lying about his age. His documents state that he was born in 1983. So I don't see how he could be 27 unless he is stating such for a particular reason. He seems quite self-conscious. He tends to talk about Asian people a lot which to me might suggest an inferiority complex. He's admitted to being somewhat anti-social and having trouble understanding, interpreting and embodying US culture. I don't know how to help him since it seems his busy schedule is what consumes him for the most part. He says that if he were less busy he could be more social. I'm not sure if that's all there is to it. But perhaps it can release a few blocks that might make him inaccessible to other groups of people.
I figure since I kind of told him my ex-boyfriend's age he might be more likely to admit to his own. Or perhaps he can explain the discrepancy I probably shouldn't know about, hehe.
I think I am learning to accept that his attention toward me, or lack thereof, really has nothing to do with me. He has mostly been honest with me and helpful, though often tardy and unprepared. I'm not too judgmental so it's not a big issue. It's possible we can helpful each other with different things. It just remains to be seen. We have a few obstacles to overcome first. I feel our tenuous union shows promise. If he will accept this gift I think that I can help him in some fundamental way. Otherwise I am just here to enjoy the ride.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)