Recently David asked me if I missed my ex-boyfriend, Jose Noel. It took me a while to answer. It's complicated. I do miss him. I'm hurt by his decision to no longer see or speak with me. I do feel bad that it seemed like our relationship could not be taken to a further level. I thought that if he could be patient the relationship could grow naturally and I could grow more comfortable. But marriage and babies were a constant topic. I initially only considered marriage out of necessity: to help him remain in the US where he was relatively safe. Ultimately this was a bad idea, something that my mother would frown upon given the circumstances. I couldn't marry him and I know deep down I didn't want to. I knew we weren't compatible. I was just with him because I wanted someone dependable. Someone I could trust. Someone I didn't mind touching me. He wanted a future with someone who could handle a man who is very busy. I wasn't that person.
I don't think I will forget him. And maybe one day we will see each other. I just don't know if he would have anything to say to me. I want him to be all right. I don't want anyone to kill him.
For the time being I am homeless. David lets me sleep in one of his cars. I keep the keys unless he is driving. Things panned out better than I expected. I thought I would have to sleep outside or in a 24-hour building. After pulling an all-nighter packing my things I spent most of Saturday waiting for David to acquire a moving truck. It didn't occur to either of us to get a reservation so ultimately he asked a friend if he could borrow his vehicle. We made the move in two trips. I finished packing before 8 AM. We moved my things outside around 11 AM. He did not return with a truck until about 3 or 4 PM. I waited outside for him for several hours. We finished moving things into storage around 5 or 6 PM.
After that he confirmed that I did not have a place to live. So we looked into getting a motel but found that they were too costly. So he decided that we could just sleep in his car or in the conference room adjacent to his laboratory. I chose the car figuring it would be more comfortable. And it was.
I've gotten to know a little more about David under stress. He can quite irritable and clumsy. Sometimes his behavior worries me. I understand that these conditions are undesirable. Surprisingly just as I was packing he found out that he could no longer stay with his friend because he needed to move out as well. So we both ended up with no place to stay this weekend. He's been in this situation more than once before. But like me he finds showering in a public place to be distasteful. But what can you do when you have no other choice?
I had absolutely nothing to eat all Saturday. I started my period and nearly bled through the pad I had been wearing out of caution. I couldn't change it until about 10 PM at night. I drank water and a carbonated flavored drink that David bought me earlier after I requested something pineapple flavored. The drink actually tasted much better after it had been sitting out in the hot sun for a few hours.
David can be absent-minded, forgetting things frequently. He knew that I hadn't had food all-day. He would remind me that I needed to eat. My menstrual cycle didn't sit well with my stomach so nothing seemed the least bit appetizing. I certainly didn't want McDonald's, which is one of David's popular options. My request for the night was hot tea. He invited me into his lab building so I could microwave a mug of Arizona Tea. It didn't taste bad. I was surprised.
I'm almost convinced that David has been lying about his age. His documents state that he was born in 1983. So I don't see how he could be 27 unless he is stating such for a particular reason. He seems quite self-conscious. He tends to talk about Asian people a lot which to me might suggest an inferiority complex. He's admitted to being somewhat anti-social and having trouble understanding, interpreting and embodying US culture. I don't know how to help him since it seems his busy schedule is what consumes him for the most part. He says that if he were less busy he could be more social. I'm not sure if that's all there is to it. But perhaps it can release a few blocks that might make him inaccessible to other groups of people.
I figure since I kind of told him my ex-boyfriend's age he might be more likely to admit to his own. Or perhaps he can explain the discrepancy I probably shouldn't know about, hehe.
I think I am learning to accept that his attention toward me, or lack thereof, really has nothing to do with me. He has mostly been honest with me and helpful, though often tardy and unprepared. I'm not too judgmental so it's not a big issue. It's possible we can helpful each other with different things. It just remains to be seen. We have a few obstacles to overcome first. I feel our tenuous union shows promise. If he will accept this gift I think that I can help him in some fundamental way. Otherwise I am just here to enjoy the ride.
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