I don't know why I tried so hard to get him to talk to me or acknowledge my presence. I know I have a tendency to become very attached to a new person that I have sex with, especially if I find that person attractive or otherwise very appealing. He could be one of the worst human beings to walk the face of the planet but I would still find some reason to consider him the bee's knees. Having had some time to really think the situation over I'm sure Karlen was just using me to have sex. And he would try to manipulate me into believing that our situation was mostly my fault, that I was bothering him and that anything he'd ever said or done was simply an illusion. That I had no reason to be angry with him. He clearly had problems. He was not willing to speak with me by phone, only via Facebook private message, but I still wanted him. I didn't need him but I wanted him. I wanted his company. His attention. I wanted him to spend time with me. I wanted him to want me. I know he didn't need me. But I wish he'd had more to say about me. I wish he didn't treat me like I wasn't a real person.
Technically ones emotions do not reside in the heart. Everything is in our heads. Our experiences occur at the level of the brain. So while he is right, that my feelings are completely mental, it doesn't change the fact that I'm experiencing things with my entire body. Like touch, taste, smell and the other myriad senses. I get hunger pains thinking about the next time I would be able to kiss him. Or to stare into his face. I loved to marvel at him and contemplate the differences between our bodies. Like my arms are longer than his. His body is hairier than mine. His ears are smaller. His hair is black. He wears glasses. He always smells of smoke or pungent cologne. His eyes can be both smoldering and very frightening to look into. Nowadays I am much too fearful to imagine us even seeing each other again. He has hurt me and scarred me very badly. I can't help but go back to his final words: "It's all in your head."
I can't be with someone who would wish me into non-existence. I can't be with someone who wants to invalidate my feelings and lived experience. It's a powerful sort of magic, very dangerous and destructive. I've survived it once before but I'm not strong enough to deal with it on a constant basis. So I need to be more careful, to defend myself against such uncaring individuals in the future. I need to stop wanting to have a boyfriend or a life partner, especially while I'm in such a vulnerable situation. I'm just now starting my rebirth. Jettisoning habits and beliefs that no longer suit me. It is a very painful process and has led to an increase in suicidal thoughts and feelings of hopelessness. But this chaotic state is likely what is needed for me to be on my way to some better state of being. To becoming a fully realized person, in my own image.
As a person I still have my weaknesses. I will continue doing very dirty things in order to keep myself alive. I just have to keep going somehow. I want to keep trying. But I would rather avoid revisiting this sort of pain again.
