This entry delves into the pressures of maintaining a patriarchal and socially acceptable family unit. I feel my mother has always felt this pressure even though she raised me by herself for most of my life. I always found it weird when men would come in and out of our lives. I never viewed them as father-figures, only referred to them by a given name. My father is mostly absent but at times sends me money on my birthday. I'm perfectly fine with this arrangement though I wouldn't mind if he sent a little more money.
Anyway I've spoken about my mother's boyfriend in the past. I spent time with him and my mother for one week during summer. The beginning was nice and exciting as they allowed me to drive and took me to a fair down south. But slowly they began to gang up on me and verbally bully me. My mom's boyfriend even obstructed my view while driving by turning the rear view mirror away from me. So suffice it to say I get spooked whenever he enters the house.
My mom tries to explain away his behavior by calling it "nagging" but even she is guilty of being mean to me or trying to subject me to his verbal abuse and their arguments. I'm just here for family time. I'm not trying to fight anyone. So I've decided that I can't live with them if this is how things are going to be. If I have no other options I will probably just kill myself. The situation is that bad.
I certainly don't want any unannounced visits to my apartment in my college town. I would call the police if they tried to enter uninvited.
This may seem extreme but I've already been through so much that I want to maintain the peace that I've worked so hard at. I've licked my own wounds and endured a great deal of isolation and loneliness. I do not deserve to suffer under the tyranny of a man-child and my mother who tolerates him. So I can't wait until I get back to my college town so I can spend time with people I like and leave whenever I feel like it. I have to climb higher so that I can escape my cage.
If my mom intends to marry him and he doesn't leave me alone I might not even have children. I certainly don't want him taking them anywhere without my knowledge. Just not feeling the whole prospect of their potential marriage right now. Things either need to improve or my mom just needs to leave him.
It sounds like you're home from college for the summer and your mother and her boyfriend are violating your boundaries, emotionally and physically.
ReplyDeleteHow strange that we thought no one would love us as our family did and then we learned that no one could or would abuse us as our family did, once we made the break.
I wonder if you could find a job in your college town and spend the summer there, maybe using student loans or grants to pay the bills. Once a person gets distance from abusive people it's VERY hard going back.
I promise you that one day you won't think of killing yourself, even if that one day only lasts for a day.
It sounds like you might not be able to prevent your mother from marrying this guy or someone else who is equally creepy, but you might be able to arrange your school year so that you're always at school or off somewhere on an internship, so that you won't have to put up with your mother's and her boyfriend's crap.
I don' t think my father EVER gave me a birthday present, even though he was around half the time.
Yeah. There are pros and cons to being in the college town. I have my freedom and the ability to come and go as I please. But it can also be very lonely and isolating here. I have some adults that look out for me and with whom I can spend a little bit of time and talk. But my peers in general tend to be unreliable, forgetful, selfish and cliquish. I've spoken to my mom about this and even she concedes that making friends is very difficult. She only has two real friends herself.
DeleteBut isn't it amazing how our greatest source of love could also cause us such pain? Lol.
I'm working very hard to find work. I'm even considering studies for compensation at this moment and pawning off some items to make extra money. Something should come through. I can't live with my mom if she stays with him. I'm not comfortable in his home. Neither is she.
I'm sure I won't think about it always. It's just a very extreme reaction. Like a last resort. I've tasted a tiny bit of freedom and I really don't want to go back to the darkness and fear I harbored so long in my soul.
I was thinking about arranging my time such that I can't visit them. The only potential downside would be them making a "surprise" visit to come see me. I really don't want him to come to my apartment. I've got it real good here with just my housemate and myself. I don't want him to bring in negative energy and disrupt our privacy.
Haha. Yeah, my father isn't good for much of anything. I don't think he helped my mom with child support all that much and he pretty much abandoned me after second grade. He and my mom divorced when I was about two and supposedly he requested a paternity test even though they were married before I was born.